Dealing with Life

With an ongoing struggle, life hits hard. I wear glasses. Two days ago, my vision went; kaplooey, completely out of focus. I can no longer completely focus on small print. Today, I am typing this zoomed in 150%, so that I can see what I am typing.

The thought of totally losing my vision is terrifying. I am a diabetic, but my sugar is completely under control. When I test my sugar level, it is normal. When I go for checkups, it is normal within non-diabetic standards. I do drink non-diabetic drinks; I do indulge in sugared coffee in the morning. I drink –maybe- two sodas a day – over the course of the entire day, not a whole soda all at once.

Where can this sudden loss of sight have come from? My right eye is not functioning properly. I have proven that today. Tuesday, I brought my prescription in for new glasses (after saving and saving to be able to afford polycarbonate with transition lenses) finally. The prescription was for one lens only – the left eye. The right eye did not change. Although they had to replace both lenses, the right eye did not need a new prescription. My left eye, changed by about 60 points – a huge change.

When I put the new glasses on, I was able to focus well enough to read normal print again, something I was not able to do with the old glasses. Still, things are way out of focus, and not correct, but I do not think it’s a function of the glasses. I think it’s a function of something is massively wrong with my right eye.

When I had my doctor’s appointment back in late August, the technician got frustrated with me, because I could not tell her which one was better, this one or that one with my right eye. Neither one was better. They were the same to me. So she said “pick one”. That is not the way it’s supposed to be done. So I picked, and picked and picked, and each time it got worse and worse and worse... until finally she said “this is your new prescription” and I said “Oh no it’s not”, because I could not read a single letter on that line, whereas I could when we started.. Barely... but I could.

Then we did the left eye that came a bit more easily, and was quickly corrected. Then, she tried to get me tested for glaucoma. This woman is already frustrated with me, and then she tries to stick a piece of paper in my eye. NOT!!! I can’t even put eye drops in my own eyes, and she thinks she’s going to get a piece of paper next to my eyeball? NOT!!! I panic – worse than any wild animal when things come close to my eyes. I told her this, and still she tried. Then she comes at me with the wand thing for the glaucoma test. Come ON People! Why can’t you listen – PANIC WORSE THAN A CORNERED WILD BEAST!

So, without those two tests performed, and this technician totally pissed off, she says go out and sit in the waiting room until they call your name for the doctor to see you. I’m looking at her, and saying “Just like that, you’re giving up,” but she had already put the eye drops in my eyes, and could no longer do any readings on my eyes.

So – off to the waiting room I go. At least the doctor treated me with some semblance of respect. He explained that once they put the eye drops in they couldn’t re-do the “is this better or that better” test, until the eye drops wear off. That test is only for when there are no eye drops in the eyes. “Oh, nice of the technician to be a total bitch,” I think to myself.

The doctor looks into my eyes, and tells me “You’ve got two tiny ruptures behind your right retina; they will eventually need to be corrected with laser surgery. I want to see you back here in 9 months.” He was very nice, and explained himself thoroughly. I fear… that I have more ruptures behind my right retina now, and that is what is happening. My left eye however is also not focusing properly, and it should be. I have my new glasses on. Everything SHOULD be clear through that lens… and its not.

Sigh =FEAR=

=signing off until tomorrow=

Dealing with MPD - My Journey

First, let me explain why I say MPD (Multiple Personalities) and not DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) as all members of the “esteemed” psychiatric community in the United States call it.

MPD – Multiple Personality Disorder
DID – Dissociative Identity Disorder

They look different don’t they? If you were to hunt down their definitions, you’d find that they echo each other’s definition. So why do they have different names? Read the definitions closer. They are identical, except for one very important line, and it is that very same line that is the reason that I say – that I am MPD instead of DID.

The Definition of MPD:

• • The presence of two or more distinct identities or personalities
• • At least two of these identities or personalities recurrently take control of the person's behavior
• • Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness
• • The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition.
  

The Definition of DID:

• • The presence of two or more distinct personality states
• • At least two of these personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior
• • Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness
• • The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition.
  

My alters (or family as I prefer to call them) would not like it if I called them a “Personality State”. Nor would your children like it if you called them a figment of your imagination.

I think that somehow, DID lends less credulity to the fact that indeed there are other personalities inside, they are real; they are distinct, complete separate personalities, with likes, wants and needs. It’s hard to live like this as it is. I have severe symptoms. I wake in the morning sitting at my desk, when I went to bed in my bedroom the night before. I physically cannot sit for extended periods, but one of my family members likes to be at the desk.

Worse yet, is the lack of psychiatric support. There is somewhere along the lines of 90% of the members of the psychiatric community who do not believe in MPD/DID to begin with. When other symptoms erupt – like my running battle with severe depression, hospitalization is always a battle. I am –forever- being re-diagnosed as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or Schizophrenic – both are misdiagnosis of MPD. Doctors refuse to treat MPD in the local area, and then they medicate me for these disorders. When I was living in a group home, I was forced to take these medications, or return to living with my abusive parents.

I’m on Medicare and Medicaid due to disabilities beyond the mental part – (physically disabled as well as the debilitation of MPD, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and Major Depression). The only local hospital that even offers a PTSD clinic is a private hospital. So, when symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation come about, it’s compounded by the knowledge that I’m going into a facility that doesn’t care if I’m MPD or not, it’s going to medicate me for something I’m not. Feelings of desperation begin to cloud and compound the feelings of depression. Then the angry insiders step out, the ones who want to quit, or who have only one way of expressing their anger and that is through cutting on the body. That scares me the most. I’m caring for children, I can’t be cutting.. But the feelings are soooo close.

Just this morning, I came into the office to have a cigarette, and discovered something extremely odd. There was an un-smoked cigarette, with a paperclip pinching the filter sitting on my desk. This has never happened before; to me it causes fear and wonder. Who did it? Why? When did it occur? I didn’t do it! I went to bed, I woke up in bed. I do not recall ever getting up in the night, yet when I got up this morning, all of the clothes that were on top of my hope chest that is at the foot of my bed, were on the floor – yet, my bed was not ruffled, nor were my blankets and sheet messed. I did not get under them at all last night, and it was cold.

I have a therapist, she’s a wonderful person. I go to her office, and chit-chat. I get to the point of getting comfortable enough to talk about something, and it’s time to go, our scheduled time is over. Poof – the time flies over my head and all I can do is look at the clock and say huh? It’s not that I’m uncomfortable talking to her. It’s not that anyone inside is uncomfortable talking to her – I don’t get that feeling. It’s that NOBODY wants to tell.

So, redirection, change the subject, I don’t even realize I’m doing it.. or am I ? Because sometimes, I don’t remember the session at all. Most the time that is. I don’t. Who was there? How did I get home? Must be James drove again, he’s the driver in the family. He’s 16, I learned when I was living in Phoenix. A very safe driver for one so young, but he can’t control it when Janet wants to take over. SHE is the suicidal one, and one of her constant, scary themes is driving at 100 miles per hour into a very sturdy tree or light pole.

Yet, we don’t talk about that. Not until the pain is so great, that it’s tearing us all up inside. I can hardly breath sometimes. Yet no tears come. I cannot cry. I have not cried in years.

The journey I’m on, is a long one, and I’ve been on it for years. I’ve got a long ways to go. I’m on a backwards slide, and right now the safety net has been ripped full of holes.

There’s only one patch that’s there, that I might catch.. if I land right.. but that’s highly unlikely at this stage of the game, there is little hope.

The Inner Critic: Accepting Ourselves

by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2002

Do you feel like you're your worst critic? Do you find yourself criticizing your body, intelligence, clothes, ability to do your job, and just about anything about yourself? We all have that voice inside, the one that can take anything about ourselves or something that we did and make it into something terribly wrong or bad.

Some people have stronger inner critics than others, but most people at one time in their lives have struggled to believe positive things that are said about them, and to ward off internal criticisms.

Many events conspire to make us question and criticize ourselves. From the little things to the big things, there are lots of people who knowingly and unknowingly put us down. Family members, peers, teachers, and religious leaders can all play a role even if they they think they're helping us.

Parents often try and correct the "problems" they think they see in us, and say all kinds of things in an attempt to "fix" us. They let us know their concerns about our looks, body, hair, clothes, the way we walk and talk, and so on. All of these accumulate to make us feel less than adequate, less than whole, less than what we "should" be.

Overt and covert criticisms, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and bullying all lead to our internalizing negative beliefs. They leave us feeling hurt and ashamed, sometimes hating everything about ourselves. While overt abuse certainly leads to the creation of an inner critic, so do many other, often more subtle, forms of criticism.

The inner critic can lead to all sorts of problems including low self-esteem, self injurious behaviour, eating disorders, avoiding situations that require us to be the centre of attention or to shine, and feeling like we are profoundly unlovable and unwanted.

The Inner Critic was Formed to Help You

The inner critic was originally formed to help you, to help you avoid pain and shame. The thinking goes like this: "if I create within myself a voice that is just like my parents, and anyone else I want to please, I can more easily know what they want from me, how they want me to be, and I can more easily avoid their disapproval and ultimately win their approval and love."

The inner critic wants us to do well, to succeed, and to be liked, but operates on the thinking level of a child, and a child who thinks that what other people think of her/him is not only important but correct.

In order to do its job properly, the inner critic needed to curb your natural inclinations, and to make you acceptable to others by criticizing and correcting your behaviour before other people could criticize and reject you. In this way, it reasoned, it could earn love and protection for you as well as save you much shame and hurt. (Stone and Stone, 1993)

The problem is the inner critic doesn't know when to stop. It may grow until it is out of control and criticizes you on a regular basis causing some real damage. The inner critic can make you feel awful about yourself. With the inner critic watching, you begin to watch your every step, you become self-conscious, awkward and ever fearful of making a mistake.

Recognizing and Separating From the Inner Critic

The first step in reducing the power of the inner critic is to recognize when it's speaking and to separate from it. You are not your inner critic, it is a part of you, but it is not who you are. When you are able to separate from your inner critic, you are in the part of your self which is sometimes called aware ego, internal witness, higher self, or observing ego.

When you are able to step back, and observe the inner critic, you are separating from it and moving into aware or observing ego. Being in aware ego takes the sting out of the inner critic.
Some ways to get to know and separate from your inner critic include:

• Write out all the things that you inner critic says to you at different times of the day, in different situations, and with different people and notice what the patterns are. For example, does your inner critic get stronger when you're tired, hungry, or stressed? If so, taking breaks, unwinding, having snacks, and relaxing can all reduce the power of your inner critic.
• If writing out the inner critic's messages leads to your adding more and more criticisms to your list, stop writing and try to step back from being in the inner critic. See if you can simply observe that there is a part of you that thinks this way, and that not all of you thinks this way. You don't need to argue with the inner critic, just be aware of it.
• Talk to other people about their inner critic's messages and compare the similarities; you may be surprised to hear that inner critics sound pretty similar from person to person and your inner critic's messages are not specific to you. For some people, doing this would not be helpful and could backfire. If you have a particularly strong inner critic, this could lead to it finding other critical messages to give to you. Again, if this happens, or you suspect it will, don't do it and concentrate on stepping back and being aware of the inner critic as a separate voice or part.
• Draw your inner critic. This is not an art project and no one will mark you on this. Drawing the inner critic externalizes it and helps you to separate from it. What or who does the inner critic look like?
• Think about when and how your inner critic developed. Does it sound like any one you know?
• Write down both of your parents', and anyone else's, critical messages and compare them to your list. Have you adopted any one else's critical messages as your own? Separating from the inner critic can sometimes be accomplished by saying to yourself, "Ah, yes, that's what my mother would have said."
• Meditation is very helpful for stepping back and observing the inner critic, and any other part of yourself.
  

Acknowledging Parts of Yourself That You've Disowned

Inner critics have a tendency to feed on the very aspects of ourselves that we are most uncomfortable with, deny, and disown. For example, if you are uncomfortable with your anger and your critical judgments of other people, tell yourself that you don't feel angry when you do, and think that you are not being mean when you are, your inner critic will rake you over the coals and call you a cruel bitch! If you acknowledge your anger and the reality that sometimes you do think or speak critically of other people, your inner critic has nothing to hit you with.

How we feel about our bodies, or parts of our bodies, can be harder. If you have an inner critic that tells you that you are "fat", you likely don't accept your body as it is and would prefer that you weighed less or looked differently. While it may be hard to accept your body the way it is, you can try acknowledging to yourself that this is your body and this is the way you look with as little judgment as possible.

Some people find it helpful to acknowledge that indeed they do have fat on their body, and so what. For more help with this issue, see my article called, Changing Our Body Image
Becoming aware of and acknowledging all aspects of yourself, including the parts you are not comfortable with, softens the inner critic's power.

Some ways to get to know different aspects of yourself that you disown include:

• Think of somebody whom you really dislike, somebody who pushes your emotional buttons, and leaves you feeling self-righteous and superior. Don't pick someone who has abused you. What is it about this person that you judge? Once you figure that out, you've found a disowned aspect of yourself. For example, say you dislike someone because she is needy and wants others to take care of her. You would never want to be like that! That is your disowned self - the needy child who wants others to take care of her/him.
• Think about someone you overvalue. This is someone who you not only admire, but someone with whom you feel bad about yourself in comparison. Again you will have found a disowned self. Perhaps, you admire a friend's ability to be rational and in control. You, in contrast, always seem to be emotional and confused. You wish you could be calm, cool, and collected like she is. In fact, around her you may get even more confused and emotional, and have great difficulty pulling your thoughts together. She is showing you a disowned self. You have disowned your own rational, controlled part. (Stone and Stone, 1993)

One of the inner critic's jobs is to criticize your disowned parts, so by acknowledging all of you who you are, you reduce the power of the inner critic.

Dialoguing With The Inner Critic

Dialoguing with an inner critic can be helpful too. The traditional approach to dealing with inner critics is to try and talk them out of what they think, but this can soon become a no- win situation. Even if you manage to prove to an inner critic the error of it's ways, it will simply move on to another thing about you to criticize.

Gently countering the inner critics views can help. But, sometimes it helps more to view the inner critic as another part of yourself who has something of value to say and deserves to be heard and respected. Dialoguing with the inner critic (for example, writing out a conversation between the inner critic and another part of yourself) where you simply listen, ask clarifying questions, understand the inner critic's deeper concerns, offer feedback as you would in any conversation, and negotiate agreements if that fits often softens the inner critic more and has longer lasting results.

The next time you hear a voice inside of you putting you down, take a deep breath, remind yourself it's your inner critic speaking, take a step back, and observe it in action. That may be all you need to do to reduce the impact of the inner critic. You may want to listen for potential disowned parts as well that you can try to acknowledge. For the more we acknowledge all of who we are, and how we can behave, the less powerful the inner critic is, and that is such a relief!

© Kali Munro, 2002.

If you would like to reprint this article on your website, you may, providing you print it in its entirety, credit me, and give a link to my site - http://www.kalimunro.com/ - I'd love to know, too!

Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist 416 929-4612 email@KaliMunro.com http://www.kalimunro.com/

Just how =does= one “Become” MPD?

First understand, that we all have a two part mind (which is not the same as having a two hemisphered brain). We have an Emotional Self, and an Analytical Self. Normal (integrated) people operate with their 99% Analytical Self and 99% Emotional Self in tact, and ready to be used. It can be analogous to two sides of a coin. Heads you are analytical, tails, you are emotional at any given input, neither one is good or bad, both are there it is part of who you are. Just how emotional or analytical you are, depends on the situation, and your goals.

For People with MPD – life-threatening trauma occurs, in such a way, as to cause Emotional Self, to dissociate from Analytical Self. (to put the terms simply) before the child reaches 7 years of age.

True, many folks can suffer from various forms of life threatening trauma before the age of seven. Car accidents, near drowning, but there are more conditions, which must also be present, in order to develop MPD.

The Emotional Self (aka Birth Personality, Original Personality, Host) must be Grade V hypnotizable. Hypnotizability is a characteristic of the emotional side – given at birth.

Another is Polarization of the Parents. This means that while the person who is MPD views one parent as good, while the other bad. What happens often is that parents flip from role to role, but, if parents are together in matters of discipline, MPD most likely will not happen. Usually, one parent is the abuser, while the other screams or deserts. The non-abusive parent does not rescue the child or the damage could have been reversed.

Finally, Polarization of Siblings, MPD children are the “only one being abused”. The MPD Child is seen as different from other children, and therefore somehow “deserving” of the abuse the other children did not get.

So: MPD is brought about by:

1. Life Threatening Trauma before the age of 7 yrs old. (minor trauma is not enough child must fear for his/her life)
2. Grade V hypnotizable.
3. Polarized Parents (one bad, one good)
4. Polarized Siblings (only one is abused, others treated decently).
   
   
   Thanks to the wonderful site:
   http://www.dissociation.com/index/Definition/
   
   there is much information here for one and all.

A Recovery Bill of Rights for Trauma Survivors

All rights reserved, except that permission is hereby granted to freely reproduce and distribute this document, provided the text is reproduced unaltered and entire (including this notice) and is distributed free of charge.

By virtue of your personal :

Authority

• Manage your life according to your own values and judgment.
• Direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals or progress.
• Gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery.
• Seek help from many sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity.
• Decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision.
• Believe in your ability to heal and seek allies who share your faith.
• Trust allies in healing so far as one human can trust another.
• Be afraid and avoid what frightens you.
• Decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront fear.
• Learn by experimenting, that is, make mistakes.

To guard your personal

Boundaries

You have the Right to . . .

• Be touched only with, and within the limits of, your consent.
• Speak or remain silent, about any topic and at any time, as you wish.
• Choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations.
• Ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with everything.
• Challenge any crossing of your boundaries.
• Take action to stop a trespass that does not cease when challenged.

For the integrity of your personal

Communication

You have the Right to

• Ask for explanation of communications you do not understand.
• Express a contrary view when you do understand and you disagree.
• Acknowledge your feelings, without having to justify them.
• Ask for changes when your needs are not being met.
• Speak of your experience, without apology for your uncertainties.
• Resolve doubt without deferring to the views or wishes of anyone.

For safety in your personal

Dependency in Therapy

You have the Right to . . .

• Hire a therapist or counselor as coach, not boss, of your recovery.
• Receive expert and faithful assistance in healing from your therapist.
• Know that your therapist will never have any other relationship with you -- business, social, or sexual.
• Be secure against any disclosure by your therapist, except with your consent or under court order.
• Hold your therapist's undivided loyalty in relation to all abusers.
• Obtain informative answers to questions about your condition, your therapist's qualifications, and any proposed treatment.
• Have your safety given priority by your therapist, to the point of readiness to use all lawful means to neutralize an imminent threat to your life or that of someone else.
• Receive a commitment from your therapist that is not conditional on your "good behavior" (habitual crime and endangerment excepted).
• Make clear and reliable agreements about the times of sessions and of your therapist's availability.
• Telephone your therapist between scheduled sessions, in urgent need, and receive a return call within a reasonable time.
• Be taught skills that lessen the risk of re-traumatization:

containment (boundaries for recovery work);

control of attention and mental imagery;

systematic relaxation.

• Enjoy reasonable physical comfort during sessions.
  

From www.sidran.org The Sidran Institute.