3 Nights on that bed and this crap before they could transfer me off the "NUTHATCH WARD" and onto the "NOT SO NUTTY" ward, where I actually had a regular Hospital Bed.. that I could adjust. Showers.. however.. centrally located in front of the nurses' station... where EVERYBODY hangs out.. NOT my cuppa tea.. I waited til I got home thank you very much! I just washed up in my bathroom as best I could.
What got me to go in the first place?
Suicide.. is painless.. it brings on many changes.. rings in my ears for weeks on end. I know the words to this song .. mostly by heart. ALL of the stanzas.. not just the chorus. I try, desperately to bury my head in the sand.. to keep from hearing Janet singing this.. because she sings it so loud.. that even I .. who am not co-conscious can hear her voice almost clearly.
Desperate e-mails and phone calls to my wonderful therapist, and burying myself into a video game that I deem as harmless keep me occupied... but is the Video Game harmless? I'm told it may not be.
It's called America's Army.. and my 'nickname' on there is Cutemdown.. pronounced Cut 'Em Down ... hmm very very close to one of my 'family member's' name.. "Cutter".. who does what his name implies. Who... although he has not acted out yet.. he's been felt nearby. Whenever Janet is active.. so is Cutter. Janet.. is the suicidal one, Cutter, the pain releaser. I think there are others inside who are also very very sad... but I do not know of them.. These two.. I know about from past experiences that I've managed to survive... barely.
America's Army is as the name implies.. An Army shoot-em-up game... what makes this game different.. is it is a MMPRG.. Massively Multiple Player Game, run by the US Army. (And others). when you play, your 'character' "=WFC=(clan tag)1Lt.(my rank)Cutemdown moves around.. all you see of yourself.. is the gun, or hands in front of you, and the terrain of the map you are playing, your teammates, and if you're "Lucky" or "Unlucky" .. the Enemy - or as they call them "OpFor" (Opposing Forces).
OpFor .. are not computer generated graphics.. they are actual graphics motorized by other players. Thus - MMPRG. It makes the game intense, hard to play, FUN, and.... possibly a release, or ... a draw for someone deep inside. I personally am not violent, I am not a foul mouthed person, yet the Clan (group of people I joined to play with) ... "Cutemdown" swears up a storm sometimes... and at others... commits suicide runs.. and so-on...
Now.. I play this game.. and I yell at people who swear up a storm. I'm sure I confuse the "Boys" as I call them to pieces.. as I'm sure they've heard me swearing one minute, and yelling at them for swearing the next. I call them "The Boys" because I'm one of two females in the AA division of WFC.. I recruited the other woman, my friend Beth... we're both the 'oldest'. The oldest of the "Boys" is 34..close.. but many 16 yr olds, and 18 yr olds, and younger.
Anyhow.. don't know if this is a good game for me or not. I love the game. I love playing with the boys. I'm hanging out in the chat server as I type this up. I played for 5 hrs straight last night .. with the guys.. I don't remember 5 hours going by.. but I know my butt was sore from sitting for so long, and I was having a ball getting back with the "Boys" after being in the Hospital for a week. The actually more than 5 hours of game play ( the 5 hrs was just one map ) .. was more a social thing for me than actually playing the game. I was having a ball getting back in touch with my friends. This is nothing different than I've ever done before in other chat servers, on other places.. there just wasn't a video game attached at the time.
I've played video games all my life. Cut'em up shoot'em down, fight, magic them, blow them to bits, create worlds only to blow them to bits.. Star Wars Jedi - where you fight as a Jedi Knight against computer generated graphics. I grew up on computers. Games were a big part of them. WAR was the first game I ever "Cracked" .. I got it on a floppy disk.. with no instructions.. just the game. Had no idea how to play it.. and it was choose your Battle Lord, and the computer chose it's Battle Lord, then choose the map you fought over. Then the game began.. WAR you against the other Battle Lord. (I'm not putting this in the right terms.. like i said, I didn't have the instructions).
I taught myself Windows. I taught myself DOS. I taught myself how to manipulate a modem to connect to BBS's when I was 10 yrs old. I wrote on a Poetry BBS.. I barely remember that. I had an ATARI. I was a loner in highschool. I had a few friends, I never went to the mall with friends, I went to work there. So, before work, I'd spend my quarters in a video arcade... playing... computer games. This is nothing new to me.. other than it's "Live Fire".
I don't know. I'm thinking maybe I'm over analyzing this.
Til we meet again.
