I can’t do it.
Here is why. There is too much stress here. I’m trying to make ends meet, and they are so far apart, I can’t reach the middle, not even close, not even with extension cords. I’m disabled. I have been for 10 years. Physically, and emotionally disturbed. LOL Emotionally disturbed. If you can call having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Multiple Personalities and Severe Depression anything else BUT disturbed, I’d like to know. I TRY to get out of my hole. I really do, but it’s no use. Every time I try, the system throws me back in, deeper, darker and showing me that there really is no way out.
I make a certain dollar figure on Social Security Disability. So much, that I “Make too much money to be qualified for any other services.” IE: Social Security Supplemental Insurance (Which – would be extremely beneficial) Let’s see what they call “Too Much Money.” – LESS than 900.00 a month. You heard me right – less than $900.00 a month. Paid only once per month also – try budgeting that one out!
Now, for this nice dollar figure (That I worked all my life to earn, pumping money INTO the system… MUCH MORE THAN THAT I’LL WARRANT) I have to pay rent, utilities, food, clothing, the usual crap.. but – wait – it gets even more interesting.
I am a survivor of extreme abuse, physical, sexual – from 2 different abusers, and 4 rapes, and severe emotional abuse – which I am still stuck in the middle of. I have medicare, and NYS’s “wonderful” Medicaid.. let me tell you about what Medicaid does for me.
Medicaid says I make $214.00 a month too much money. So, in order for any of my medical expenses to be covered, (including the $500.00+/month in medications) I have to spend this OUT first, either to them, or to the pharmacies, etc.
I barely squeak by – without this Medicaid “spend down” as they call it – I’ve managed up until now, to get around it. It won’t happen anymore. As of Dec 1st, I’ve got to pay out that money, or not be covered.
What are my choices? Try to go back to work? Get regular insurance – which gives me $500- $1500 worth of medication coverage PER YEAR? What happens after that runs out in the first month? No more pain reduction, no more anti-depressants, no more anything.
That’s out of the question. I am unable to keep a steady job as it is – can’t even do a bloody marathon.
Sell everything, and move out of state? – Been there, done that – got dragged back by the royal bitch who is my sexual abuser/mental abuser.
I don’t know where to turn. If you don’t see me on FM – it’s because I don’t know what to chat about. I’m really lost.
LindaP
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Sunday, October 31, 2004
A New Car - and Life with "Mother"
Or “Mommy Dearest”
It’s one thing to grow up having been abused. I was lucky – for nearly 20 years, I had no memory of being abused. I thought broken bones, bruises and the way my brothers and family treated me was normal. I thought all daughters had broken bones. That all sisters put up with brothers who hated them, and that they often needed treatment at local hospitals.
It was a shock, when I started counseling when the therapist told me that 20 or more broken bones was NOT usual. That even ONE broken bone was not USUAL. So, over the years, I received counseling, and found I have a very abusive family, that began, close to home. Starting right when I was a baby with Mother.
My therapist, and my psychiatrist do not want me calling her “Mother” because she never was one. So, from now on in this post, I will refer to her as “Lorraine” since that is her first name. She gave birth to me. I don’t think she really ever wanted me. She thinks that having sex with a man is doing her “Dirty Duty”. That is how she described it to me when I was a child. It is one of the few memories that I do have of childhood. And they ARE few.
I am on Social Security Disability Insurance – that is my total income. I am living in my “Inheritance” from my parents, for when they die. They decided to give their four children their inheritances, before they die. Let them see us “enjoying” our inheritances, while they are still around to see us having fun, and living life.
I got the house I am living in, it’s a 3 bedroom doublewide trailer. I like it well enough, however, it’s in a state I hate. Originally, my inheritance was to be my townhouse out in Mesa, Arizona. Lorraine decided she did not want to travel to Arizona anymore, so – regardless of their promise to me and her sworn oath that that was MY home, the parental beings sold the townhouse out from under me, and forced me to move back to New York.
I did NOT want to move – I love Arizona, and I’d give almost anything to move back there, but they’ve even fixed it, so that after they die, I can’t just go out and sell this house!
My three brothers – inherit everything else. They split the Camp- which they just sold for $345,000.00 (less realtor fees), and all the stuff IN the camp. I asked my folks for a sailboat – one of four, that they owned. Lorraine screamed at me for an hour on how the camp belonged to my brothers, and how I deserved nothing out of it. There are four sailboats, my brothers probably don’t want any of them.. and I get a lecture about not getting anything out of the camp.
I told my father, the one semi sane voice in the family, that I at least wanted an updated car. My car (a 1995 Ford Escort) was dying a hard death, and there was no way on this earth that it would make it through the winter without some serious engine work. Living on Social Security – doesn’t allow me to make any savings. My money is gone before the middle of the month. I’ll never own another car. I need something to get me out of these damn woods. My father agreed. Then sat on his ass for months, not doing a thing about it
I finally was told that they were looking at 2002 or 2003 Toyota Corollas for me. Way good, this is my car of choice. I wanted to get back into a Toyota, ever since I owned a Tercel way back in 1989 when I bought my very first car.
I start shopping. I find a few of them online. They are running anywhere between $12,999 and 16,999 for 2002 and 2003 cars. My father keeps replying to my e-mails that “That’s too much” but still wouldn’t nail down exactly how much they were willing to spend.
I got down to business this past Wednesday. I called my father, and told him, I’m seeing my Therapist at noon, I’ll be in Albany, let’s do this, my car is falling apart, and I’m tired of driving it and freezing to death! (the heater doesn’t work at temperatures below 30ºf ). Wouldn’t you know, they are only willing to spend $9,000.00? I may sound selfish because nobody gets a car bought for them. I understand this, but when you’re promised one thing, and told another, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. There is no way on this earth that I’ll find a 2002 or 2003 Corolla for 9,000.00 – that hasn’t 1), been in an accident, or 2), has high mileage on it, or 3), has something terribly wrong with the engine.
Lorraine was going off to visit a friend in the hospital, so my father and I went car hunting. We shopped and shopped, and finally found a 2002 Kia Spectra LS with only 14,000 miles on it – that fit the price range, my requirements, and suited me. I liked it. It wasn’t a Toyota, but I am resigned to the fact that I was never going to find a newer car that was going to fit in their price range.
The Kia Spectra was found at the last place we were planning on looking. By that time, Lorraine was home. We needed her final approval of the car, before saying “Yes, we’ll take this one.” So, leaving the car dealership, with a very worried sales woman, who –thought- she had made the sale already, we went to pick up Lorraine.
We get to their house, and Lorraine starts yelling at me that they are charging too much money for the car, that I’ve not shopped enough, that there are plenty more cars out there, and that I’m jumping into a deal that I’m going to be sorry for. All this – sight unseen of the car I’ve picked out. I cannot please this woman. I never COULD please her.
After 10 minutes of arguing, we get in our respective cars (I had to come back to my house afterwards, I did not plan on returning to THEIR house (that’s for damn sure), and headed back to the dealership to show Lorraine the car.
She looks at the Kia Spectra, she looks at the sales woman, “You’re charging too much money for this car!” Like the sales woman had anything to do with putting that price tag on the car. Then, Lorraine turns and stares at me, and says “I thought you wanted a Corolla!” I looked at her, my jaw dropped. I was standing next to the Corolla of my dreams. It was a 2003 Corolla LS – with all the options I wanted, and it was Navy Blue – my favorite car color, and I knew – it was not in her price range. Lorraine –was playing head games with me.
She knew I wanted a Corolla. So I told her “Yes, Mother, I do want a Corolla, but they are out of your price range.” So, what does she do? She starts to argue prices with me and the sales woman, over why the Kia is so much less than the Corolla!
Finally, after the arguing, we put $100.00 down on the car, and headed off to our respective houses to look for the title to my Ford Escort. I had finally talked them into the fact that indeed, it was the Kia Spectra that I wanted.
Thursday rolls around, and I get a phone call from my father. He wants me to go down to the local Ford dealer, they have a Chevy Cavalier he wants me to go look at! WHAT?? I’m DONE shopping, I’ve chosen my car, I am not interested in a Chevy Cavalier, and I don’t like that car anyhow! I argue with HIM on the phone – he hangs up on me.
I give him about an hour to cool down. “Why do you want me to go look at a cavalier- it’s a sports car.”
“No it isn’t.” he says. It is – as far as the insurance companies are concerned. Unless it’s the old body style. THEN he pops the oh, it’s a two door, has 25,000 miles on it, but it’s a 2003. “Dad, I told the sales man at Hyundai that I wasn’t even LOOKING at 2 door cars – what makes you think I’d look at one today? I’m Fat, I’m Old, My back is broken, I can’t even get into the back seat of my Ford Escort, Why would I want another two door car?”
“Oh yea, I hadn’t considered your back.”
DUH.
I’ve broken my back twice, it’s very difficult for me to do much of anything, and he wasn’t considering my back? Gee – thanks dad.
I met him down at the dealership, and we signed the papers for the Kia. Then he asks me if I want to come over to his place, it was dinner time – and rush hour, and he lives right in the middle of a nasty area for rush hour. None of which I cared about - I wanted to get as far away from them as possible. So, I said No, I was tired, and I drove my new car home.
I am so sick of being “not considered”, of being treated like I’m somebody who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, of being treated like I’m not wanted around, that it isn’t funny. I got that while I was growing up. I am still getting it now. It is not fun
When will the abuse end? Is it bad that I wait impatiently to become an orphan? I have no rights, my Precious brothers who can do no wrong have all the rights. Even when they do something bad, they don’t get the treatment that I get. They are all three of them treated as adults. Even my younger brother –who still lives with mommy and daddy.. is treated more like an adult than I am, and he is less of one in my opinion! I can’t wait til I can run away from home!
It’s one thing to grow up having been abused. I was lucky – for nearly 20 years, I had no memory of being abused. I thought broken bones, bruises and the way my brothers and family treated me was normal. I thought all daughters had broken bones. That all sisters put up with brothers who hated them, and that they often needed treatment at local hospitals.
It was a shock, when I started counseling when the therapist told me that 20 or more broken bones was NOT usual. That even ONE broken bone was not USUAL. So, over the years, I received counseling, and found I have a very abusive family, that began, close to home. Starting right when I was a baby with Mother.
My therapist, and my psychiatrist do not want me calling her “Mother” because she never was one. So, from now on in this post, I will refer to her as “Lorraine” since that is her first name. She gave birth to me. I don’t think she really ever wanted me. She thinks that having sex with a man is doing her “Dirty Duty”. That is how she described it to me when I was a child. It is one of the few memories that I do have of childhood. And they ARE few.
I am on Social Security Disability Insurance – that is my total income. I am living in my “Inheritance” from my parents, for when they die. They decided to give their four children their inheritances, before they die. Let them see us “enjoying” our inheritances, while they are still around to see us having fun, and living life.
I got the house I am living in, it’s a 3 bedroom doublewide trailer. I like it well enough, however, it’s in a state I hate. Originally, my inheritance was to be my townhouse out in Mesa, Arizona. Lorraine decided she did not want to travel to Arizona anymore, so – regardless of their promise to me and her sworn oath that that was MY home, the parental beings sold the townhouse out from under me, and forced me to move back to New York.
I did NOT want to move – I love Arizona, and I’d give almost anything to move back there, but they’ve even fixed it, so that after they die, I can’t just go out and sell this house!
My three brothers – inherit everything else. They split the Camp- which they just sold for $345,000.00 (less realtor fees), and all the stuff IN the camp. I asked my folks for a sailboat – one of four, that they owned. Lorraine screamed at me for an hour on how the camp belonged to my brothers, and how I deserved nothing out of it. There are four sailboats, my brothers probably don’t want any of them.. and I get a lecture about not getting anything out of the camp.
I told my father, the one semi sane voice in the family, that I at least wanted an updated car. My car (a 1995 Ford Escort) was dying a hard death, and there was no way on this earth that it would make it through the winter without some serious engine work. Living on Social Security – doesn’t allow me to make any savings. My money is gone before the middle of the month. I’ll never own another car. I need something to get me out of these damn woods. My father agreed. Then sat on his ass for months, not doing a thing about it
I finally was told that they were looking at 2002 or 2003 Toyota Corollas for me. Way good, this is my car of choice. I wanted to get back into a Toyota, ever since I owned a Tercel way back in 1989 when I bought my very first car.
I start shopping. I find a few of them online. They are running anywhere between $12,999 and 16,999 for 2002 and 2003 cars. My father keeps replying to my e-mails that “That’s too much” but still wouldn’t nail down exactly how much they were willing to spend.
I got down to business this past Wednesday. I called my father, and told him, I’m seeing my Therapist at noon, I’ll be in Albany, let’s do this, my car is falling apart, and I’m tired of driving it and freezing to death! (the heater doesn’t work at temperatures below 30ºf ). Wouldn’t you know, they are only willing to spend $9,000.00? I may sound selfish because nobody gets a car bought for them. I understand this, but when you’re promised one thing, and told another, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. There is no way on this earth that I’ll find a 2002 or 2003 Corolla for 9,000.00 – that hasn’t 1), been in an accident, or 2), has high mileage on it, or 3), has something terribly wrong with the engine.
Lorraine was going off to visit a friend in the hospital, so my father and I went car hunting. We shopped and shopped, and finally found a 2002 Kia Spectra LS with only 14,000 miles on it – that fit the price range, my requirements, and suited me. I liked it. It wasn’t a Toyota, but I am resigned to the fact that I was never going to find a newer car that was going to fit in their price range.
The Kia Spectra was found at the last place we were planning on looking. By that time, Lorraine was home. We needed her final approval of the car, before saying “Yes, we’ll take this one.” So, leaving the car dealership, with a very worried sales woman, who –thought- she had made the sale already, we went to pick up Lorraine.
We get to their house, and Lorraine starts yelling at me that they are charging too much money for the car, that I’ve not shopped enough, that there are plenty more cars out there, and that I’m jumping into a deal that I’m going to be sorry for. All this – sight unseen of the car I’ve picked out. I cannot please this woman. I never COULD please her.
After 10 minutes of arguing, we get in our respective cars (I had to come back to my house afterwards, I did not plan on returning to THEIR house (that’s for damn sure), and headed back to the dealership to show Lorraine the car.
She looks at the Kia Spectra, she looks at the sales woman, “You’re charging too much money for this car!” Like the sales woman had anything to do with putting that price tag on the car. Then, Lorraine turns and stares at me, and says “I thought you wanted a Corolla!” I looked at her, my jaw dropped. I was standing next to the Corolla of my dreams. It was a 2003 Corolla LS – with all the options I wanted, and it was Navy Blue – my favorite car color, and I knew – it was not in her price range. Lorraine –was playing head games with me.
She knew I wanted a Corolla. So I told her “Yes, Mother, I do want a Corolla, but they are out of your price range.” So, what does she do? She starts to argue prices with me and the sales woman, over why the Kia is so much less than the Corolla!
Finally, after the arguing, we put $100.00 down on the car, and headed off to our respective houses to look for the title to my Ford Escort. I had finally talked them into the fact that indeed, it was the Kia Spectra that I wanted.
Thursday rolls around, and I get a phone call from my father. He wants me to go down to the local Ford dealer, they have a Chevy Cavalier he wants me to go look at! WHAT?? I’m DONE shopping, I’ve chosen my car, I am not interested in a Chevy Cavalier, and I don’t like that car anyhow! I argue with HIM on the phone – he hangs up on me.
I give him about an hour to cool down. “Why do you want me to go look at a cavalier- it’s a sports car.”
“No it isn’t.” he says. It is – as far as the insurance companies are concerned. Unless it’s the old body style. THEN he pops the oh, it’s a two door, has 25,000 miles on it, but it’s a 2003. “Dad, I told the sales man at Hyundai that I wasn’t even LOOKING at 2 door cars – what makes you think I’d look at one today? I’m Fat, I’m Old, My back is broken, I can’t even get into the back seat of my Ford Escort, Why would I want another two door car?”
“Oh yea, I hadn’t considered your back.”
DUH.
I’ve broken my back twice, it’s very difficult for me to do much of anything, and he wasn’t considering my back? Gee – thanks dad.
I met him down at the dealership, and we signed the papers for the Kia. Then he asks me if I want to come over to his place, it was dinner time – and rush hour, and he lives right in the middle of a nasty area for rush hour. None of which I cared about - I wanted to get as far away from them as possible. So, I said No, I was tired, and I drove my new car home.
I am so sick of being “not considered”, of being treated like I’m somebody who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, of being treated like I’m not wanted around, that it isn’t funny. I got that while I was growing up. I am still getting it now. It is not fun
When will the abuse end? Is it bad that I wait impatiently to become an orphan? I have no rights, my Precious brothers who can do no wrong have all the rights. Even when they do something bad, they don’t get the treatment that I get. They are all three of them treated as adults. Even my younger brother –who still lives with mommy and daddy.. is treated more like an adult than I am, and he is less of one in my opinion! I can’t wait til I can run away from home!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
