Catching Up

9 September 2005

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything in here, and I apologize to any reader who looks for information here.

It’s rough, dealing with depression, acute chronic pain, multiple personalities, and abuse issues that still are active in my life.

You see, I’m not doing well. Many of my “family members” or some would call them personalities, personas, or manifestations, are in a dangerous downward slide. I have 2 or 3 family members who are self destructive, and or suicidal.

It does not help that one of the main abusers in my life… is still in my life, and trying her damnedest to ruin me. Not a meeting goes by where she does not put me down for one reason or another. “Can’t you clean up this mess?” “Why do you dress that way?” (I’m in my pajamas when she says this) It doesn’t matter what I do, I cannot please the thing called mother.

Meanwhile, Father-dearest stands by and does nothing. He says nothing, he doesn’t intervene. He thinks they have a right to talk to me in this manner.

I am disabled. It is part psyche, part physical. I broke my back twice. I cannot bend well, lift anything, twist my torso from left to right nor right to left. I needed spinal injections just last month. I have to rely on the parental things when I cannot drive or do anything, because they stuck me out in the middle of no-where so that if my car breaks down, I have absolutely no alternative transportation.

When I got the injections, I was not able to drive afterwards. This meant my father (or mother-dearest) had to come pick me up (an hour drive away), drive me to my appointment (back towards where they live – an hour away) wait for me to get the injections and then drive me back..

My fat headed father was pissed off at me – the second set of shots because my most wonderful  (in their eyes) Brother had to be at the airport to go to Ireland. So.. I got a hard time from my father about the appointment, and how he was not sure he’d be able to take me.. come to find out, my brother was not leaving the area until 7pm at night, and my appointment was for 10am.  HOW on earth did my appointment mess up HIS most glorious schedule???

My brothers can do no wrong, yet I am not able to do anything right. I am pissed at this. They drag me back to NY so I can be closer to “Family.” Well.. I have no ties to my “Family” here.  No-one cares that I am alive and breathing.. unless they have something to scream at me about.

There are things that need fixing around my house. I’ve tried time and again to get help doing them. They are supposed to be my landlords. I am supposed to be a tenant. Yet it goes 2 months before my lawn is mowed, I’ve asked 15 times to get stone put down between the end of my deck step and the gate leading out to the driveway (a total of 3-1/2 to 4 feet), and yet.. I still keep asking. However, if Mr.Wonderful brother asks for ANYTHING.. it’s there in a heartbeat.

Do I sound jealous? I’m not. I don’t want anything from my parents other than for them to get off my back. I’m done with them. I can’t afford to be here. I’m sick over what the new heating costs are going to be this winter, and I KNOW I’m going to hear about that. I might as well turn my bills over to them, and my paycheck.. and say “HERE You do the math!”

My younger brother is a loser. He works full time as a respiratory therapist. He owns several houses that he rents out apartments in. Yet he still lives with mommy and daddy. He’s 41 years old, and has not lived on his own for more than a few months at a time before he comes crawling back home.

He’s getting married to a woman he met through our sister-in-law. They’ve only talked on the computer and on the phone until just recently when my brother worked up the courage to go to Ireland to meet her. Now he plays the lovesick teenager, all drool and sap. It’s sickening to watch, because it is fake. He is too tightly wrapped in the umbilical cord that has never been severed to ever leave mommy. Oh, he’ll get married alright.. but the marriage won’t last. She will never measure up or replace his mommy.

I have two older brothers as well. One has fallen out of the graces of the mother’s eyes. He told her off, she told him off, he’s living with a woman my mother can’t stand (nor can I), he is an abuser, so I do not miss him. I wonder how many broken ribs his new woman will end up with. I know his ex- was not treated well. He threw her around as well as their son. I do not miss him, nor consider having lost him. Good Riddance.

My Oldest brother is only five miles from me. I hear nothing from him, nor his wife. I never know when they are home. I hear things second hand from my parental things.. like a couple weeks ago my sister-in-law wrapped her car around a telephone pole. Why didn’t THEY inform me, instead of my parents?
It’s simple, I’m second class in this family. I’m a burden, and not something they want around.

It’s no wonder that I have “Family” who are self destructive and suicidal. With all that “well deserved” treatment I get from my parental beings, and lack of support I get from the rest of the family… why would someone care to continue on in this existence?