Giving up on NaNoWriMo

I can’t do it.

Here is why. There is too much stress here. I’m trying to make ends meet, and they are so far apart, I can’t reach the middle, not even close, not even with extension cords. I’m disabled. I have been for 10 years. Physically, and emotionally disturbed. LOL Emotionally disturbed. If you can call having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Multiple Personalities and Severe Depression anything else BUT disturbed, I’d like to know. I TRY to get out of my hole. I really do, but it’s no use. Every time I try, the system throws me back in, deeper, darker and showing me that there really is no way out.

I make a certain dollar figure on Social Security Disability. So much, that I “Make too much money to be qualified for any other services.” IE: Social Security Supplemental Insurance (Which – would be extremely beneficial) Let’s see what they call “Too Much Money.” – LESS than 900.00 a month. You heard me right – less than $900.00 a month. Paid only once per month also – try budgeting that one out!

Now, for this nice dollar figure (That I worked all my life to earn, pumping money INTO the system… MUCH MORE THAN THAT I’LL WARRANT) I have to pay rent, utilities, food, clothing, the usual crap.. but – wait – it gets even more interesting.

I am a survivor of extreme abuse, physical, sexual – from 2 different abusers, and 4 rapes, and severe emotional abuse – which I am still stuck in the middle of. I have medicare, and NYS’s “wonderful” Medicaid.. let me tell you about what Medicaid does for me.

Medicaid says I make $214.00 a month too much money. So, in order for any of my medical expenses to be covered, (including the $500.00+/month in medications) I have to spend this OUT first, either to them, or to the pharmacies, etc.

I barely squeak by – without this Medicaid “spend down” as they call it – I’ve managed up until now, to get around it. It won’t happen anymore. As of Dec 1st, I’ve got to pay out that money, or not be covered.

What are my choices? Try to go back to work? Get regular insurance – which gives me $500- $1500 worth of medication coverage PER YEAR? What happens after that runs out in the first month? No more pain reduction, no more anti-depressants, no more anything.

That’s out of the question. I am unable to keep a steady job as it is – can’t even do a bloody marathon.

Sell everything, and move out of state? – Been there, done that – got dragged back by the royal bitch who is my sexual abuser/mental abuser.

I don’t know where to turn. If you don’t see me on FM – it’s because I don’t know what to chat about. I’m really lost.

LindaP