I'm in a hole i can't dig out of

It’s 2am and I’m exhausted, but I’m not ready to go to bed. I don’t know why. I have appointments tomorrow. I have to go to the market tomorrow. I have to go and get stuff at stupid wal-mart. I’m not pleased with Wal-mart. I’ve found they are discriminatory, and I did not know that. Not a nice thing to keep hidden, I always thought they were a good company to work for. I suppose I won’t be submitting my application for employment to them anytime soon! (not that I am eligible to work.)

I roam around the internet at night, and play America’s Army. It gives someone inside a great outlet for killing the mother thing. “Lorraine” we’re supposed to call her.. I forget. I also forget to take my frigging medications, even though I have them all sorted out into a weekly minder… well… I haven’t filled out the minder for this week yet.. maybe I’ll get around to doing that tomorrow – if I don’t keep switching out.

Every time I go to take my medications, I find myself far away from my computer room, where my medications are housed. (No, I don’t keep them in the bathroom. If I did, I’d NEVER remember to take them, I’m ALWAYS in the computer room, I’m rarely in the bathroom).

My dad was here this morning. I told him I wanted a computer chair for Christmas. He said I could have his… what do these people NOT get? I don’t WANT their left over furniture. I want MY stuff. His chair has no support. I don’t NEED that. I can’t ask LORRAINE for anything – if I do .. I get screamed at about money issues – even though all their “Money Issues” are now solved. Their camp is sold. This house is paid off, they no longer have the mortgage on this. They no longer pay on their van, nor do they have the upkeep of the camp. But, I know – if I ask for a measly $40.00 item, I’ll get a one hour lecture about how they are not made out of money, and it doesn’t grow on trees.

There really is no light at the end of that tunnel, is there?

The Hole
All is dark
Screams echo vainly
Voices murmer louder
Where is light

Hopeless mindless wandering
Here and there I mumble
Tumble down the path of doom
What sense does this make

Screaming grows louder
Inside my head
Silence greets my pleas

Pitch black
no color no light
can penetrate this hole
they’ve given me.

Pressure mounts
Arrested breathing
Screams resound
Pounding my brain

Blackness my hole
I’ve come for you
Swallow me down
End my pain.

- by Linda Pfeiffer © November 11, 2004