ENTER DARKNESS

Enter the dream and welcome to my scream
Nothing stares back from the mirror
A frigid husk of wasted skin
Mists swirl everywhere I cannot see
Darkness wraps its cold blanket over me

Alone I wander aimlessly
Searching for something I cannot find
The emptiness fills deeply
Sinking lower into the emptiness
Reaching out grasping naught but air

Empty voices fill the silence
with foreign words
Huddled deep in the corner
Pain wrecked body wails in despair
Will this ever end? Why not end it now?

Always alone, never needed.
Stripped of all semblances of humanity.

Enter the darkness, despise the light
Never Free, Never Loved, Never Wanted
Never to live as life was meant to be
Keep away from the things that hurt
Stay away from those that could harm
Don’t leave don’t let them come
Destroy ourselves before they can do it for us.

Enter Darkness Exit the light
Leave behind the bad the empty the alone
Leave the pain, the hurt the alone
Join the darkness, it is better than the light.
Forever sleep, Forever Dark. Forever Free.



© Linda Pfeiffer 12/22/04

The Process Of Recovery From Abuse

source: Michael C. Irving, PhD

The process of recovery from abuse is long, demanding and very individual. It requires and deserves much support and safety from other people.

When one has been abused, remembering your past is discovering who you are.
Recovery involves accepting, understanding and releasing feelings. It entails connecting behavior, thoughts and feelings both in the past and in the present.

Recovery is learning about choice, learning how to take care of yourself and learning that it is OK to take care of yourself. It is learning about choice.

If you move the "yuck" out, there is some room for joy.
The timing of recovery might not be when you want. It is important to honor your own process and realize that it is never ending.

"The core experiences [of child abuse] are disempowerment and disconnection from others. Recovery, therefore, is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections [with people]. Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In his/her renewed connections with other people, the survivor recreates the psychological faculties that were damaged or deformed by the [abuse] experience..." "Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety. The central task of the second stage is remembrance and mourning. The central task of the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life." Judith Lewis Herman, M.D.

Discussion -

The Process of Recovery from AbuseRemembering, feeling bad, feeling guilty, accepting, hoping, naming it, believing it and being believed, having someone listen without judgment and telling are all part of the initial process of recovery from abuse.

Recovery from abuse takes a long, long time. It requires stamina, support and safety, both internally and externally. Old habits must change. A survivor must learn to trust, to grieve, to breathe (“if not, you can’t feel”). It involves confrontation, changing one’s beliefs of self and the world, feelings of confusion, rage, dealing with family and relationships, learning how to take care of one’s self, discovering the power to choose and overcoming unreal and terminal “niceness”.

Survivors will encounter periods of time where they feel guilty and have a fear of not being loved. They feel that love is conditional. They let go of what’s not real, such as taking care of everyone else, not taking care of themselves and defining boundaries. They let go of the fantasies, like “everyone will love me” and “I can get back what was lost”. There is utter despair when survivors let go of dreams, and emotions like anger, fear and sadness are felt. It’s critical that a survivor have all of these feelings. “If you can have these feelings, if you move the ‘yuck’ out, there’s some room for joy.” They discover the power to choose.

Working through shame takes a long time. Often a survivor takes two steps forward, on step sideways. Recovery is intermittent. “You must do a lot of stuff you don’t want to do.” Such as learning to accept that the timing of recovery might not be when it’s wanted, honoring one’s own process and realizing that the process is never-ending.

There is a lot of secrecy in abuse. In recovering, survivors break the secret and the silence. They listen to their own voice, a voice they have been taught not to hear, and give themselves permission. They must unlearn their lives and what they’ve been taught. They must find out who they are through gender identification, their physical body, by retaking possession of their physical body and by finding their “person”inity.

Elements of recovery can be concurrent, intermittent, simultaneous, continual, not on linear time and run as parallel processes. Survivors revisit these elements with different intensities of emotion and cognition throughout their recovery, and experience a blending of feelings, thought and behavior.

Key Themes

Recovery is accepting and releasing feelings, connecting with behavior and thought. It is also remembering your past, discovering who you are, and choosing how you will live.

References On The Process Of Recovery From Abuse:

Bass, Ellen and Laura Davis. Beginning to Heal: A First Book for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 1993.

Eller, Ti. “How Can I forgive? A Woman Sexually Abused as a Child Seeks Peace.” Canadian Baptist, November 1994, vol. 140 no. 9, p. 8-10.

Green, Lilian. Ordinary Wonders: Living Recovery From Sexual Abuse. Toronto: Women’s Press, 1992.

Kaye, Marcia. “Nightmare of Childhood Sexual Abuse Can Last A Lifetime But, Increasingly, Adult Survivors Are Waking To Renewed Hopes and Dreams.” Canadian Living, March 1991, vol. 16 no. 3, p. 143, 145-8.

Maltz, Wendy. Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide For Survivors of Sexual Abuse. New York, N.Y.: HarperCollins Publishers, 1992.

Masson, Suzanne. “Breaking the Silence: Recovery From Incest”. Human Medicine, January 1995, vol. 11 no. 1, p. 29-33.

Oksana, Chrystine. Safe Passage to Healing: A Guide for Survivors of Ritual Abuse. New York, N.Y.: Harper Perennial, 1994.

Sinclair, Donna. “From Abuse to Rebirth: Clergy Can Help Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse Start Fresh.” United Church Observer, October 1997, Vol. 61 no. 3, p.45-6.

I've Created a Monster

I have created a monster and made this blog into its own website, A website that will house all the pertinent information that is posted here. The Rape and Sexual Assault Hotline Numbers, information on how to find a Therapist, and other important things that have already been posted here on the blog will be permanently housed on the website, and thus will help people who have suffered trauma and are looking for further aid. In this permanent forum, I hope to allow people to find many useful items of information that will be available to them with just a click of their mouse.

It is amazing how much information is out there, but it seems to be scattered around on various web rings, and websites. It’s great information. I hope that by centralizing it here, and also providing links to these other sites, I am providing a service to those who have need of finding help.

Not everyone understands the SEVERE trauma one survives to even develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Perceived life-threatening trauma before the age of seven. I was severely abused from the time I was an infant. I can give a list of my injuries that would fill pages.

This website is dedicated to people like me, who have survived such trauma, and are in recovery, or trying to recover. I don’t know how well I’m doing. I am a severe isolationist. I hate being out amongst people. The only time I DO go out, is to go to see my therapist, my psychiatrist, or grrrrrrr grocery shopping.

I hope you enjoy the website as much as you enjoy this blog. It will be as dynamic as this blog is, as I find and update links on a daily basis.
I know one thing.. if you’re DID.. or MPD… you’re not alone out there.. I’m here too.

Dual Personality, Multiple Personality, Dissociative Identity Disorder - What's in a Name?

By Dr. Ralph B. Allison, M.D.

As found on the website http://www.dissociation.com/index2.html

When I diagnosed my first case of MPD in 1972 (Janette in "Minds In Many Pieces", I had had no professional training on the subject. I went to the Stanford Medical Library to look up articles on the subject since no computerized databases existed then. The book called "Index Medicus" was the only place one could start searching for published articles. There I found the listing of "Dual Personality."

In the 1970s, when I started meeting with other therapists of "multiples" (the term we all came to use for patients with MPD), we informally agreed to call the disorder "Multiple Personality Disorder" or MPD for short. I wrote to the editors of the Index Medicus to ask them to add Multiple Personality Disorder to the subject headings, and they did that.

At that time, a small group of us therapists were struggling with these patients, and we created our own networking methods. I published a newsletter, "Memos On Multiplicity," for one year as my way of trying to let such therapists know where fellow adventurers in this field were.

Eventually, the interest moved from the solo practitioner's office to the academic halls of learning. Some practitioners had teaching appointments in graduate schools where their opinions about MPD were not always greeted with acceptance. After all, the accepted dictums stated that people only were allowed one personality per body. Anyone claiming to have patients with two or more personalities had a difficult task convincing those in academia that such was possible.

This conflict of views between those therapists dealing daily with dissociated patients (some exhibiting dozens of alter-personalities, or "alters") and academic teachers who spent more of their days teaching and doing research than actually treating severely ill patients, came to a boil with the need to revise DSM III.

DSM I (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Version I) was created after WWI to provide a framework for labeling post-war psychiatric causalities. DSM II was written after WWII for the same purpose. Remember, these were written in the USA by American psychiatrists. However the same terms were accepted by the editors of the International Code of Diseases (ICD) through its present 9th edition.

When I met my first multiple, DSM II was in use. MPD was then a minor label under "Hysterical Dissociative Disorder." It did not even have its own code number.

DSM III was created while I was in the middle of my practice years. It recognized MPD as existing, gave it a code number, and defined its characteristics. We who treated these patients finally had found a degree of acceptance in officialdom. "If it is listed in here, it must exist."

Then the backlash began. There had always been doubters that such a disease really existed, and my struggles with critics are chronicled in "Minds In Many Pieces." Personally, I had withdrawn from public debates on the matter to deal with private matters, so I only know indirectly about the political battles behind the scene during the formulation of DSM IV, the current edition.

The field of "Dissociative Disorders" now had its own section. A committee of experts was appointed to decide what disorders should be listed in DSM IV. It was hoped that DSM IV would also be the psychiatric section of the new ICD-10, then in progress.

The committee was composed of two groups, psychiatrists whose primary role was as therapists and those whose primary roles were teaching and research. The therapists wanted to keep MPD much as it was in DSM III. The teachers wanted to eliminate MPD altogether, and replace it with "Dissociative Identity Disorder" or DID. I heard one of these teachers say in public, "Everybody is born with only one personality. Therefore, there can be no such thing as a Multiple Personality Disorder."

With this belief system, the teachers could not agree that MPD could be an accurate label for anyone. The treaters on the committee did not know how to explain that, in practice if not in theory, their patients acted as if they had other personalities. The teachers decided that the patients had the major mental problem of believing that they had more than one personality. The goal of therapy should not be integrating the various personalities, but getting the patients over their false belief (delusion) that they had other personalities at all. (Since I was not present for the deliberation, these ideas are only reasonable conclusions from what I heard from others who were there and position statements published about the debate.)

So the patients still had a problem, but it was redefined as a different problem than the one their therapists were treating them for. Instead of therapists trying to integrate "alters" into an original personality, they should now focus their attention on the patients "delusion" that they did not have a single identity. Now the teachers expected the treaters to treat the patients' "identity disorder," as no one could really have multiple personalities.

When the decision was reported out of committee, the teachers had won, and MPD suddenly ceased to exist. Now all our multiples had Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID.

However, the editors of the ICD did not accept DSM IV as their section on Mental Disorders. In the newest printing of ICD-9, they did add "Dissociative Identity Disorder" below MPD as a synonym. So, in the world outside the USA, MPD still exists. Only in the USA have all multiples been told they have a false belief that they have alters running their bodies.

But I know that, in the case of MPD, the patient's Original Personality (yes, teachers, the only one they have) goes "into hiding" at the time of a life threatening assault before the age of seven. Therefore, there is "no one home" to have the Disorder of Identity. The Original Personality is the only one capable of having such a "false belief," but she is not in executive control of the body or participating in social life at all. But the Allisonian ISH I met in these patients had created all sorts of alters to run the body in the absence of the Original Personality. Therefore, I could not honestly give up the accurate label of MPD and substitute an inaccurate label of DID.

But, I had met other dissociating patients who were of the "dual personality" type. They had never shown an ISH, and they manifested far fewer alters. Could I apply this new label to them? Yes, I decided I could.

So, personally, I came to realize that both MPD and DID can be considered accurate labels, but for two different groups of dissociators. Here is how I now use these acronyms in my writings.

The key differentiating criteria is the age of the first dissociation, with the seventh birthday being the approximate cut-off point for MPD, and the earliest date for DID to appear. This is the age the child's mind must mature to so that it can "hold it all together" when severely traumatized. After age seven, it may dissociate and form alters, but it will not dissociate into its two component parts, the Intellectual Self (ISH/Essence) and the Emotional Self (Original Personality).

The concept that the human mind originally consists of two parts is not a clear part of American/European psychological theory. Root words to express this concept do not exist in European languages. Again, "if we don't have a word for it, maybe it doesn't exist."

But I learned from my foreign friends that root words for these two parts of the mind do exist in Middle Eastern and Oriental languages. My favorite is Japanese, which calls the Intellectual Self the "Risei" and the Emotional Self the "Kanjou." The Japanese recognize that we are constantly switching from being controlled by our Kanjou and being controlled by our emotions, to letting our Risei take over to solve our problems rationally.

In TV "literature," the same story is repeatedly played out by "Mr. Spock" on the original Star Trek series. Leonard Nemoy played the role to the Intellectual Self very well. He sounds close to the way the ISHs talked to me when I was doing therapy with multiples. In "Star Trek, The Next Generation," Lt. Cmd. Data, an "android," plays the same role. In one show, he shows what happens when emotions are added to his brain with the insertion of a new chip, which makes him able to emote for the first time.

Now, after learning how dissociation occurs in a human before age seven, I realized that all humans have a bipartite mind (not to be confused with a two-hemisphered brain). When the mind is integrated, as is the usual case, it might be analogized as a coin with two faces, Heads and Tails. The Emotional Self (Kanjou) is the Tail side and the Intellectual Self (Risei) is the Head side. Normally, we are operating somewhere between 99% intellectually and 99% emotionally. Both are there, ready to be used. Neither one is good or bad. How much we use of which one depends on the situation and the goal we have at the time.

To avoid unwarranted assumptions, I wish to note that, for trauma to split (dissociate) the Risei from the Kanjou, it requires certain preconditions to be present. Just being traumatized before age seven will not always cause the child to develop MPD. In other types of people, in different settings, the same trauma may cause other types of psychopathology. The situation is not that simple.

Yes, there must be life threatening trauma before the age of seven for anyone to develop MPD. But another condition is that the Emotional Self (aka Birth Personality, Original Personality, Kanjou) must be Grade V hypnotizable on the Stanford Scale. The ability to age regress by revivification is a trait needed to qualify one for being in Grade V. This ability is invaluable in participating in effective therapy.

Grade V hypnotizability is a characteristic of the Emotional Self and is a trait given to it at birth. This trait is accompanied by other characteristics, such as psychic abilities, exquisite sensitivity to the emotions of others, fantasy proneness, flamboyance, and "hysterical" traits of all kinds.

In women, this may be seen as typical hysterical female behavior (pardon the sexist connotations). In men, the same traits may be seen as antisocial behavior. In American society, girls learn to internalize their problems, and boys learn to externalize them. So women with MPD tend to develop emotional and physical problems, while the men tend to act out antisocially.

Another factor needed to bring about MPD is polarization of the parents, the usual caretakers of infants. One parent is seen by the child as good and the other as bad. What often happens is that the parents flip from role to role. But if the parents are together in matters of discipline, MPD will not be likely to occur. Usually one parent is the primary abuser, while the other one screams or deserts. The non-abusive one does not rescue the child or the damage could have been reversed.

The other factor needed for MPD is polarization of the siblings. This child must be the only one in the family to be abused. This child was seen as "different" from the other children, and therefore somehow "deserving" of abuse the other children did not get. "Equal Opportunity Abuse" is bad enough in its own right, but it creates in the children a different clinical picture.

So, in our view, MPD is still a valid diagnosis for a clinical picture, but it requires these preconditions:

1. Life threatening trauma before the age of seven. (Minor trauma is not enough. The child must fear for his or her life.)

2. Grade V hypnotizable Emotional Self.

3. Polarized parents - one good and one bad.

4. Polarization of siblings. Only this one is abused. The others are treated decently.

What does this produce clinically?

The first effect is dissociation of the Intellectual Self from the Emotional Self. The Intellectual Self (aka Essence, Risei) then sends the Emotional Self (aka Original Personality, Kanjou) into hiding somewhere in Thoughtspace, so the Original Personality abdicates executive control over the physical body.

The Essence takes on the role of Inner Self Helper (Damage Control Officer) and has to go to work making the first False-Front Alter-Personality to run the body. The ISH designs and programs all alters to do whatever is necessary to keep the child alive.

Each alter is designed to do a job and only that job. It is endowed with characteristic traits which the Original Personality would have taken on, if it were in charge. The situation can be viewed as operating a doll factory, with only the outfits of clothes being produced. The doll, itself, is not present. The alters are the sets of clothes, but there is no doll inside any of them. Therefore, they cannot grow and change. They can only do what the ISH has programmed them to do.

There is no way that this condition can be called "Dissociative Identity Disorder." There is no Original Personality to have any disorder. The ISH is busy making alters to run the body. The Original Personality has been removed from executive control. There are multiple personalities alternating control of this body, awaiting the end to the abuse and the arrival of a therapist who can work with the ISH to bring the Original Personality back in charge. This is truly MPD.

So, when is DID an appropriate diagnosis? When the trauma occurs after the age of seven to a highly hypnotizable person. Then there is no dissociation of the Intellectual Self from the Emotional Self. The Emotional Self (aka Original Personality) is still in charge and available to have an Identity Disorder.

The social situation is different, as the child is now often out of the parental home and in school. The abuser is often someone outside the birth family. The trauma situation need not be long lasting or life threatening, more likely some situation the child was too immature to cope with. One of my cases of "dual personality" was created by the rape at age 9, by a cousin. The girl created an angry female alter who became a prostitute. She used sex to humiliate and control men, like her Original Personality had been humiliated by her cousin. This woman could well be said to have a Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Treatment would be effective if she, the Original Personality, learned better ways of handling sexually abusive men and other humiliating situations. She would need to learn better ways of coming to grips with the sexual conflicts she had. If she succeeded, her prostitute alter would become obsolete and might "die" of disuse atrophy. This clinical course is much different from that seen with someone who had MPD, as we have defined it here.

To provide you with the official definition of DID, here is what it says in DSM IV:

300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder)

Diagnostic Features

The essential feature of Dissociative Identity Disorder is the presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (Criterion A) that recurrently take control of behavior (Criterion B). There is an inability to recall important personal information, the extent of which is too great to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness (Criterion C). The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition (Criterion D). In children, the symptoms cannot be attributed to imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

Dissociative Identity Disorder reflects a failure to integrate various aspects of identity, memory, and consciousness. Each personality state may be experienced as if it has a distinct personal history, self-image, and identity, including a separate name. Usually there is a primary identity that carries the individual's given name and is passive, dependent, guilty, and depressed. The alternate identities frequently have different names and characteristics that contrast with the primary identity (e.g., are hostile, controlling, and self-destructive). Particular identities may emerge in specific circumstances and may differ in reported age and gender, vocabulary, general knowledge, or predominant affect. Alternate identities are experienced as taking control in sequence, one at the expense of the other, and may deny knowledge of one another, be critical of one another, or appear to be in open conflict. Occasionally, one or more powerful identities allocate time to the others. Aggressive or hostile identities may at times interrupt activities or place the others in uncomfortable situations.

Individuals with this disorder experience frequent gaps in memory for personal history, both remote and recent. The amnesia is frequently asymmetrical. The more passive identities tend to have more constricted memories, whereas the more hostile, controlling, or "protector" identities have more complete memories. An identity that is not in control may nonetheless gain access to consciousness by producing auditory or visual hallucinations (e.g., a voice giving instructions). Evidence of amnesia may be uncovered by reports from others who have witnessed behavior that is disavowed by the individual or by the individual's own discoveries (e.g., finding items of clothing at home that the individual cannot remember having bought). There may be loss of memory not only for recurrent periods of time, but also an overall loss of biographical memory for some extended period of childhood. Transitions among identities are often triggered by psychosocial stress. The time required to switch from one identity to another is usually a matter of seconds, but, less frequently, may be gradual. The number of identities reported ranges from 2 to more than 100. Half of reported cases include individuals with 10 or fewer identities.

The Inner Self Helper (ISH)

In my first case of MPD, I was introduced to a psychic entity who was normal, all knowing of personal history, and helpful to me in doing therapy. After I had met similar entities in other severely dissociated patients, I came to call it the Inner Self Helper or ISH. By following psychologically integrated patients for several decades, I learned what the ISH does after the disorder is corrected. It then prefers to be called the Essence of "my charge," another name for the Intellectual Self, Kanjou, or Hidden Observer of Hilgard at Stanford University. It has many useful functions. As a matter of fact, without it present, the person is in need of life support systems.

But, during therapy of a patient with MPD, by my definition, the ISH is a highly necessary co-therapist to any ethical therapist, no matter how talented in psychotherapy. The ISH observes and intervenes on the inside while the therapist attends to matters on the outside. Between the two of them, effective therapy can be done in a much shorter time. In my most complicated case of MPD, it only took me three years of twice a week therapy to achieve integration of 70 alters into the Original Personality. With the time limitations of the public clinic in which I worked, only because of the guidance of the ISH did I get the integration done the day before I departed that employment. Therefore, I highly recommend therapists of true MPD patients should be happy to meet the ISHs in their patients and listen to what they have to say. Not to do so is like the surgeon ignoring the advise of his hospital's radiologist and laboratory pathologist.

Characteristics of the Inner Self Helper (ISH)

A. Prime Directive of the ISH is to keep patient alive until her Life Plan is completed and fulfilled. The ISH will prevent suicide in any way possible.

B. Has no date of origin; has always been present.

C. Can only agape love; is incapable of hatred.

D. Has awareness of and belief in "The Creator."

E. Is aware that the Celestial Intelligent Energy (CIE) put her in charge of teaching this person how to live and move forward properly.

F. Is able to work on the inside of the patient's mind, as co-therapist, while the human therapist works on the outside.

G. Knows all about history of patient and can predict short term future.

H. Possesses no personal sense of gender identity, but will assume either gender the therapist is comfortable with.

I. Talks intellectually instead of emotionally, carefully chooses precise words, speaks in short concise sentences; prefers to answer questions; gives enigmatic instructions. ("Teach her humility today.")

J. Avoids using slang; does not have the capacity for put-downs or guilt-trips.

K. Is aware of patient's past lifetimes.

The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network is an extremely valuable tool for survivors of sexual assault of any form. There are links to many different sites, ways to find phone numbers for local counselors, and rape hotline phone numbers. It says national, but it has grown into an international support network! Give them a look. Support them in any way you can!

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) is the nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE. RAINN also publicizes the hotline's free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual assault; and leads national efforts to improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.

Recognizing RAINN's effectiveness, efficiency and professionalism, Worth magazine recently selected RAINN as one of "America's 100 Best Charities" (12/01). With more than 1,000 local affiliates, the National Sexual Assault Hotline has helped more than half a million victims of sexual assault.

1.800.656.HOPE - The National Sexual Assault Hotline

With a national perspective and broad reach, RAINN also serves as a trusted resource for media, policymakers and the public. Through close cooperation with national and local media, public service ads, curriculum programs and one-on-one outreach, RAINN provides vital education about sexual assault prevention, prosecution and recovery to more than 120 million Americans a year.

Our Supporters

RAINN has benefited from the help of dozens of celebrities, including Sarah McLachlan, No Doubt, Destiny's Child, Santana, R.E.M., Natalie Merchant, Jewel, Sheryl Crow, the Dave Matthews Band, U2, Paul Shaffer, Jennifer Aniston, Jennie Garth, and Michael J. Fox.
The hotline number and RAINN's public service ads air nationally on all six of the national broadcast networks and more than one dozen cable networks. More than 1,100 radio stations have also donated airtime to RAINN. This year, RAINN will receive more than $19 million of donated media time to promote the hotline.

RAINN is supported by thousands of individual donors and corporate partners such as ADT Security Services, Atlantic Records, Best Buy, Biore Facial Care Products, Harper's Bazaar, Kelegian White & Reed LLP, Maurice Villency, MCI, Metropolitan Entertainment, The Recording Academy, Sony Music, Steve Madden, Ltd., Ticketmaster, Warner Music Group, and Yahoo.

RAINN receives no government funding. Eighty-eight cents of every dollar raised is spent directly of program services for victims.

RAINN was founded in 1994 by Scott Berkowitz, who continues as the organization's president.

From their website:

Rape, Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN) is the nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and carries out programs to prevent sexual assault, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.

One of “America’s 100 Best Charities” (Worth magazine 12/01)

The International Society for the Study of Dissociation

The Society is a nonprofit professional association organized for the purposes of:
information sharing and international networking of clinicians and researchers;

• providing professional and public education;
• promoting research and theory about dissociation; and
• promoting research and training in the identification, treatment, and prevention of dissociative disorders.

"Your source for information on chronic traumatization."

Our mission is "information sharing and international networking of clinicians and researchers; providing professional and public education; promoting research and theory about dissociation; and promoting research and training in the identification, treatment, and prevention of dissociative disorders."

The Executive Council of the ISSD makes all major decisions and sets the direction for the organization. Our Committees work to carry out our mission and to suggest new directions for the future.

Although we are primarily a professionally oriented society, we welcome both professional and lay members.

Education is one of our primary goals. We work to achieve that goal partly through training programs, conferences and the Journal of Trauma and Dissociation. The ISSD has given awards to professionals and lay people who have contributed to the study of dissociation and to the ISSD.

If you do not find what you are looking for here, please let us know.

Your Connection for Professional Growth and Support

Join the International Society for the Study of Dissociation in the search for solutions to dissociative disorders.Is ISSD for you? ISSD Membership Benefits Who can become a member of ISSD Membership Costs Membership Application

The International Society for the Study of Dissociation (ISSD) is the only international nonprofit professional society that promotes research and training in the identification and treatment of dissociative disorders.

ISSD provides a single source for professional and public education and supports international communication and cooperation among professional clinicians and investigators working in the field of dissociation.

To tackle the issues involved in research about and treatment of dissociative disorders, individual commitment and passion are necessary. But they are not enough. We need outstanding, ongoing professional education and information. And we need each other. Together, we can and do make a difference!

Is ISSD for you?
What can you expect as a member of ISSD?

• Participate in presenting and discussing clinical approaches and the latest research in the field of dissociation.
• Stay informed about current professional issues and treatment approaches through conferences, publications, bibliographies, and the Society’s home page on the World Wide Web.
• Expand professional contacts through networking; the membership directory; component societies, chapters, and study groups; and conferences.
• Receive professional recognition through the awards and Fellows programs.
• Most importantly, you will be a contributor to better understanding and treatment of DID.

ISSD Membership Benefits
National and International ConferencesISSD conferences provide up-to-date accounts of the state of the dissociative disorders field and address key legal and ethical issues facing professionals working with dissociation. ISSD conferences are devoted solely to topics relevant to the study and treatment of dissociation. These meetings include introductory and advanced workshops, research presentations, and clinical papers.
Learn from experts and peers and share valuable experiences during formal and informal sessions and activities. Continuing education credits, a bookstore, and printed conference proceedings are also available. Members have access to abstracts from recent conferences in the Atrium.

ISSD NewsThe official ISSD newsletter carries news regarding the Society and the field. The newsletter features an index of recently published literature on dissociative disorders and an editorial column in which experts discuss critical issues in dissociation.
Journal of Trauma and DissociationThe Journal of Trauma and Dissociation will be sent to all full members as part of the membership benefits. The Journal is dedicated to publishing peer-reviewed scientific literature on dissociation, the dissociative disorders, posttraumatic stress disorder, psychological trauma and its sequelae, and on aspects of memory associated with psychological trauma and dissociation.

The AtriumA separate portion of the web site for Members Only. Conference abstracts, bibliographies, the online membership directory, recent and past newsletters, testing resources for the clinician, a listing of member web site and many other resources are available online for the member. Treatment GuidelinesISSD has taken the important step of developing Guidelines for Treating Dissociative Disorder in Adults. Developed in 1994 and revised in 1997, the Guidelines present a broad outline of what thus far has seemed to be effective treatment. ISSD is also developing guidelines for treating children with DID.

Component GroupsISSD encourages members to form and participate in national and local component societies, chapters, and study groups. ISSD component groups around the world provide members with a local vehicle for exchanging views and experiences, promoting referral networks, and establishing educational programs.

Membership DirectorySimply the best resource anywhere for professionals working in the field of dissociation. The directory is an invaluable tool for any professional who wishes to form research and clinical contacts and networks.

World Wide Web Site Members and the public can obtain information about the Society, membership benefits, conference information, a bibliography of recent articles and books of interest, as well as treatment guidelines and links to other professional and self-help organizations.

David Caul Memorial FundEstablished in 1998 to honor the memory of Dr. David Caul, a former president of ISSD, the fund supports research in the area of dissociation and awards need-based scholarships to the Society’s educational programs.

Awards ProgramThe ISSD awards program recognizes outstanding achievements in diagnosis, treatment, research, writing, audiovisual media, and distinguished service by individuals or groups in the field of dissociation or dissociative disorders.

Who can become a member of ISSD?
Membership in the International Society for the Study of Dissociation is open to individuals interested in the study of dissociative disorders.

Regular or Full MemberRegular membership is open to professionals primarily involved in the provision of services, research, education, scholarship, writing or public policy in an area related to dissociation.. Members who are mental health or health care providers must be licensed professionals; practicing under the supervision of a licensed professional; qualified within the accepted legal or cultural standards for conducting clinical practice in his or her locale. Members are listed in the directory, receive publications including the ISSD Newsletter and the Journal of Trauma and Dissociation, have access to The Atrium, and may serve on committees, vote, and hold office.

Student MemberStudent membership is open to those enrolled in a program of study leading to a degree or certification in the study of the dissociative phenomenon.

Retired MemberRetired membership is open to ISSD members who have retired from active practice or research, are at least 65 years old, and have paid dues to the society for 10 or more years.

Affiliate MemberThis class of membership is open to any lay person, not eligible for full or student member, interested in the goals and objectives of the Society. Affiliate members receive the Newsletter and the Membership Directory, but are not listed in the directory, may not vote, hold office or serve on task forces or committee, nor do they have access to the Atrium, the members only section of the ISSD web site. Under special circumstances and by invitation, affiliates may be allowed to serve on task forces or committees.

FellowFellow status may be awarded to any member who has made outstanding contributions to the diagnosis, treatment, research, or education in the dissociative disorders field and to the Society.

From http://www.issd.org - also a great place to search for a trauma/did/mpd therapist

MD's or Quacks

I often wonder how some people get their medical licenses. For a week prior to my going into the hospital on 10/22 (inpatient), I was being treated for what they decided was “Cellulitis” with antibiotics. I was not responding to these oral antibiotics, and the swelling in my right leg gained monstrous proportions, not only that – but it had spread up my right side, and included swelling in the right side of my arm, shoulder, and even face.

On 10/22, I was feeling so lousy, I called my “Doctor” to get an emergency appointment to see her. Her response was “I’m too busy, go to the ER if you think it’s that bad.” She did not deliver that message herself, Doctors do not talk to patients on the phone. It came through one of her secretaries by way of “She’s booked, if it’s that bad, she suggests going to the ER.”

I went to the ER. They took me into a room, and within 5 minutes had me signing papers to tell me that I was being admitted. I think that’s the fastest I’ve EVER been admitted to a hospital.

Three days later, the IV antibiotics are finally starting to work. The swelling has gone down quite a bit. They had to use a catheter to get the urinary tract working again. That was a blast and a half for someone who has suffered the kinds of sexual abuse and rapes that I have, let me tell you! They send me home with a week’s supply of Keflex to finish off the rest of the infection and to see my primary care MD for follow-up.

I happened to have had a follow-up appointment the next day with my primary MD for the next day for another problem anyhow, so I just kept that appointment. It totally amazed me that she did not ask nor report about any blood work or urinary tests that were or were not done in the hospital regarding the now “alleged” cellulitis”.

She said “See you in a week.” That was the extent of our visit. She looked at the leg, told me my feet were very dry. Well, yea, I have a problem with dry feet, always have. Whoopie, that’s not news to me. This isn’t what I’m here to see you for Doctor. She orders a “compression stocking” for my leg, tells me that I need to keep my foot up, and sends me on my way.

I end up having to cancel the appointment for the following week for two reasons. One, the compression stocking isn’t in yet, and I want to have it before I see her again, and two, I had a conflicting appointment that I needed to attend.

So, I see her again two weeks later, the leg is STILL badly swollen, I’m not responding to the oral antibiotics at all, the swelling is WORSE than it was when I left the hospital, and not only that, but now it is in both legs, and working its way upwards. Her response? “When would you like to see me again? One week? Two Weeks?” Said rather snottily, as if I needed to do her appointment scheduling for her, and knew what she wanted. I said One week, because this wasn’t getting better, it was getting worse.
One week later, lo, she again – complains about my dry feet.. and still does not order any blood work or urine tests to see if ANYTHING else could be the cause/problem. I then, decide to ask HER for the tests. Who’s the friggin’ doctor here? Her? Or ME?

I had the blood work done, I have a follow-up appointment. It’s too early for the results to be in. I ask her a question. “I want Dr. Maude to look at your leg, and see if he has any other ideas.” Dr. Maude, is semi-retired, and only comes into the office once a week. I was trying to get away from him as my Primary Care Physician, BECAUSE he was semi retired, and I could ONLY see him on ONE day out of the week… I had asked her to re-write my scripts for the month.. and she said no, Dr. Maude would the next day. So basically, she doesn’t want to see me anymore. Guess what? I don’t want to see them anymore either. I’m done with incompetent doctors, who can’t handle a patient who knows a little bit, and just enough to ask questions, and care about what’s happening.

She also tried to tell me that this is going to be how my legs were going to be for the rest of my life, basically because I’m getting older, I’m fat, and I believe she tried to imply that I was lazy. I may be mistaken, but I really don’t think so. She doesn’t think that I follow her rules – of keeping my leg up when it needs to be up – YES it IS up RIGHT NOW. It has been up all along through this long diatribe. It’s aching like hell but it’s still up!

So, with the aid of the NYS Department of Health’s Search page, I went looking for a new General Practitioner, but then, was given a lead from my Therapist. I called, they accept Medicare and Medicaid, so I went, and saw their RPA. What a wonderful woman she is. I’ll be going there from now on, thanks to my Therapist! I spent about 45 minutes giving the RPA a lengthy medical history as best as I could. Signed release papers so they could get information about the current issues, and she even re-wrote my medication prescriptions for me!

I’ve got an appointment on the 24th for an ultrasound of my abdomen which is very tender to poking (surprise!). Armed with the results of the blood and urine tests, and that ultrasound, we’ll go from there. I’m on Augmentin for an antibiotic.. so we’ll see.

Sunshine enjoys sleeping in the middle of my bed, with my teddybear, at all hours of the day, but particularly just after I get up, when the bed is still warm, even if I plan to get back into bed.

I'm in a hole i can't dig out of

It’s 2am and I’m exhausted, but I’m not ready to go to bed. I don’t know why. I have appointments tomorrow. I have to go to the market tomorrow. I have to go and get stuff at stupid wal-mart. I’m not pleased with Wal-mart. I’ve found they are discriminatory, and I did not know that. Not a nice thing to keep hidden, I always thought they were a good company to work for. I suppose I won’t be submitting my application for employment to them anytime soon! (not that I am eligible to work.)

I roam around the internet at night, and play America’s Army. It gives someone inside a great outlet for killing the mother thing. “Lorraine” we’re supposed to call her.. I forget. I also forget to take my frigging medications, even though I have them all sorted out into a weekly minder… well… I haven’t filled out the minder for this week yet.. maybe I’ll get around to doing that tomorrow – if I don’t keep switching out.

Every time I go to take my medications, I find myself far away from my computer room, where my medications are housed. (No, I don’t keep them in the bathroom. If I did, I’d NEVER remember to take them, I’m ALWAYS in the computer room, I’m rarely in the bathroom).

My dad was here this morning. I told him I wanted a computer chair for Christmas. He said I could have his… what do these people NOT get? I don’t WANT their left over furniture. I want MY stuff. His chair has no support. I don’t NEED that. I can’t ask LORRAINE for anything – if I do .. I get screamed at about money issues – even though all their “Money Issues” are now solved. Their camp is sold. This house is paid off, they no longer have the mortgage on this. They no longer pay on their van, nor do they have the upkeep of the camp. But, I know – if I ask for a measly $40.00 item, I’ll get a one hour lecture about how they are not made out of money, and it doesn’t grow on trees.

There really is no light at the end of that tunnel, is there?

The Hole
All is dark
Screams echo vainly
Voices murmer louder
Where is light

Hopeless mindless wandering
Here and there I mumble
Tumble down the path of doom
What sense does this make

Screaming grows louder
Inside my head
Silence greets my pleas

Pitch black
no color no light
can penetrate this hole
they’ve given me.

Pressure mounts
Arrested breathing
Screams resound
Pounding my brain

Blackness my hole
I’ve come for you
Swallow me down
End my pain.

- by Linda Pfeiffer © November 11, 2004

Giving up on NaNoWriMo

I can’t do it.

Here is why. There is too much stress here. I’m trying to make ends meet, and they are so far apart, I can’t reach the middle, not even close, not even with extension cords. I’m disabled. I have been for 10 years. Physically, and emotionally disturbed. LOL Emotionally disturbed. If you can call having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Multiple Personalities and Severe Depression anything else BUT disturbed, I’d like to know. I TRY to get out of my hole. I really do, but it’s no use. Every time I try, the system throws me back in, deeper, darker and showing me that there really is no way out.

I make a certain dollar figure on Social Security Disability. So much, that I “Make too much money to be qualified for any other services.” IE: Social Security Supplemental Insurance (Which – would be extremely beneficial) Let’s see what they call “Too Much Money.” – LESS than 900.00 a month. You heard me right – less than $900.00 a month. Paid only once per month also – try budgeting that one out!

Now, for this nice dollar figure (That I worked all my life to earn, pumping money INTO the system… MUCH MORE THAN THAT I’LL WARRANT) I have to pay rent, utilities, food, clothing, the usual crap.. but – wait – it gets even more interesting.

I am a survivor of extreme abuse, physical, sexual – from 2 different abusers, and 4 rapes, and severe emotional abuse – which I am still stuck in the middle of. I have medicare, and NYS’s “wonderful” Medicaid.. let me tell you about what Medicaid does for me.

Medicaid says I make $214.00 a month too much money. So, in order for any of my medical expenses to be covered, (including the $500.00+/month in medications) I have to spend this OUT first, either to them, or to the pharmacies, etc.

I barely squeak by – without this Medicaid “spend down” as they call it – I’ve managed up until now, to get around it. It won’t happen anymore. As of Dec 1st, I’ve got to pay out that money, or not be covered.

What are my choices? Try to go back to work? Get regular insurance – which gives me $500- $1500 worth of medication coverage PER YEAR? What happens after that runs out in the first month? No more pain reduction, no more anti-depressants, no more anything.

That’s out of the question. I am unable to keep a steady job as it is – can’t even do a bloody marathon.

Sell everything, and move out of state? – Been there, done that – got dragged back by the royal bitch who is my sexual abuser/mental abuser.

I don’t know where to turn. If you don’t see me on FM – it’s because I don’t know what to chat about. I’m really lost.

LindaP

A New Car - and Life with "Mother"

Or “Mommy Dearest”

It’s one thing to grow up having been abused. I was lucky – for nearly 20 years, I had no memory of being abused. I thought broken bones, bruises and the way my brothers and family treated me was normal. I thought all daughters had broken bones. That all sisters put up with brothers who hated them, and that they often needed treatment at local hospitals.

It was a shock, when I started counseling when the therapist told me that 20 or more broken bones was NOT usual. That even ONE broken bone was not USUAL. So, over the years, I received counseling, and found I have a very abusive family, that began, close to home. Starting right when I was a baby with Mother.

My therapist, and my psychiatrist do not want me calling her “Mother” because she never was one. So, from now on in this post, I will refer to her as “Lorraine” since that is her first name. She gave birth to me. I don’t think she really ever wanted me. She thinks that having sex with a man is doing her “Dirty Duty”. That is how she described it to me when I was a child. It is one of the few memories that I do have of childhood. And they ARE few.

I am on Social Security Disability Insurance – that is my total income. I am living in my “Inheritance” from my parents, for when they die. They decided to give their four children their inheritances, before they die. Let them see us “enjoying” our inheritances, while they are still around to see us having fun, and living life.

I got the house I am living in, it’s a 3 bedroom doublewide trailer. I like it well enough, however, it’s in a state I hate. Originally, my inheritance was to be my townhouse out in Mesa, Arizona. Lorraine decided she did not want to travel to Arizona anymore, so – regardless of their promise to me and her sworn oath that that was MY home, the parental beings sold the townhouse out from under me, and forced me to move back to New York.
I did NOT want to move – I love Arizona, and I’d give almost anything to move back there, but they’ve even fixed it, so that after they die, I can’t just go out and sell this house!

My three brothers – inherit everything else. They split the Camp- which they just sold for $345,000.00 (less realtor fees), and all the stuff IN the camp. I asked my folks for a sailboat – one of four, that they owned. Lorraine screamed at me for an hour on how the camp belonged to my brothers, and how I deserved nothing out of it. There are four sailboats, my brothers probably don’t want any of them.. and I get a lecture about not getting anything out of the camp.

I told my father, the one semi sane voice in the family, that I at least wanted an updated car. My car (a 1995 Ford Escort) was dying a hard death, and there was no way on this earth that it would make it through the winter without some serious engine work. Living on Social Security – doesn’t allow me to make any savings. My money is gone before the middle of the month. I’ll never own another car. I need something to get me out of these damn woods. My father agreed. Then sat on his ass for months, not doing a thing about it

I finally was told that they were looking at 2002 or 2003 Toyota Corollas for me. Way good, this is my car of choice. I wanted to get back into a Toyota, ever since I owned a Tercel way back in 1989 when I bought my very first car.

I start shopping. I find a few of them online. They are running anywhere between $12,999 and 16,999 for 2002 and 2003 cars. My father keeps replying to my e-mails that “That’s too much” but still wouldn’t nail down exactly how much they were willing to spend.

I got down to business this past Wednesday. I called my father, and told him, I’m seeing my Therapist at noon, I’ll be in Albany, let’s do this, my car is falling apart, and I’m tired of driving it and freezing to death! (the heater doesn’t work at temperatures below 30ºf ). Wouldn’t you know, they are only willing to spend $9,000.00? I may sound selfish because nobody gets a car bought for them. I understand this, but when you’re promised one thing, and told another, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. There is no way on this earth that I’ll find a 2002 or 2003 Corolla for 9,000.00 – that hasn’t 1), been in an accident, or 2), has high mileage on it, or 3), has something terribly wrong with the engine.

Lorraine was going off to visit a friend in the hospital, so my father and I went car hunting. We shopped and shopped, and finally found a 2002 Kia Spectra LS with only 14,000 miles on it – that fit the price range, my requirements, and suited me. I liked it. It wasn’t a Toyota, but I am resigned to the fact that I was never going to find a newer car that was going to fit in their price range.

The Kia Spectra was found at the last place we were planning on looking. By that time, Lorraine was home. We needed her final approval of the car, before saying “Yes, we’ll take this one.” So, leaving the car dealership, with a very worried sales woman, who –thought- she had made the sale already, we went to pick up Lorraine.

We get to their house, and Lorraine starts yelling at me that they are charging too much money for the car, that I’ve not shopped enough, that there are plenty more cars out there, and that I’m jumping into a deal that I’m going to be sorry for. All this – sight unseen of the car I’ve picked out. I cannot please this woman. I never COULD please her.

After 10 minutes of arguing, we get in our respective cars (I had to come back to my house afterwards, I did not plan on returning to THEIR house (that’s for damn sure), and headed back to the dealership to show Lorraine the car.

She looks at the Kia Spectra, she looks at the sales woman, “You’re charging too much money for this car!” Like the sales woman had anything to do with putting that price tag on the car. Then, Lorraine turns and stares at me, and says “I thought you wanted a Corolla!” I looked at her, my jaw dropped. I was standing next to the Corolla of my dreams. It was a 2003 Corolla LS – with all the options I wanted, and it was Navy Blue – my favorite car color, and I knew – it was not in her price range. Lorraine –was playing head games with me.

She knew I wanted a Corolla. So I told her “Yes, Mother, I do want a Corolla, but they are out of your price range.” So, what does she do? She starts to argue prices with me and the sales woman, over why the Kia is so much less than the Corolla!
Finally, after the arguing, we put $100.00 down on the car, and headed off to our respective houses to look for the title to my Ford Escort. I had finally talked them into the fact that indeed, it was the Kia Spectra that I wanted.

Thursday rolls around, and I get a phone call from my father. He wants me to go down to the local Ford dealer, they have a Chevy Cavalier he wants me to go look at! WHAT?? I’m DONE shopping, I’ve chosen my car, I am not interested in a Chevy Cavalier, and I don’t like that car anyhow! I argue with HIM on the phone – he hangs up on me.

I give him about an hour to cool down. “Why do you want me to go look at a cavalier- it’s a sports car.”

“No it isn’t.” he says. It is – as far as the insurance companies are concerned. Unless it’s the old body style. THEN he pops the oh, it’s a two door, has 25,000 miles on it, but it’s a 2003. “Dad, I told the sales man at Hyundai that I wasn’t even LOOKING at 2 door cars – what makes you think I’d look at one today? I’m Fat, I’m Old, My back is broken, I can’t even get into the back seat of my Ford Escort, Why would I want another two door car?”

“Oh yea, I hadn’t considered your back.”

DUH.

I’ve broken my back twice, it’s very difficult for me to do much of anything, and he wasn’t considering my back? Gee – thanks dad.

I met him down at the dealership, and we signed the papers for the Kia. Then he asks me if I want to come over to his place, it was dinner time – and rush hour, and he lives right in the middle of a nasty area for rush hour. None of which I cared about - I wanted to get as far away from them as possible. So, I said No, I was tired, and I drove my new car home.

I am so sick of being “not considered”, of being treated like I’m somebody who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, of being treated like I’m not wanted around, that it isn’t funny. I got that while I was growing up. I am still getting it now. It is not fun

When will the abuse end? Is it bad that I wait impatiently to become an orphan? I have no rights, my Precious brothers who can do no wrong have all the rights. Even when they do something bad, they don’t get the treatment that I get. They are all three of them treated as adults. Even my younger brother –who still lives with mommy and daddy.. is treated more like an adult than I am, and he is less of one in my opinion! I can’t wait til I can run away from home!

A book for assessing and treating DID

Book Information:

Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder by James L. Spira

This is a copyrighted book available for download only to current members of Bookshare.org. Please log in if you have a member account, otherwise find out about joining.

Synopsis:
Contributors representing various theoretical perspectives discuss methods of assessment and treatment of dissociative identity disorder.

Average customer rating: No ratings available yet
Quality: Good, some errors.
Book size: 414 pages
ISBN: Unknown
Copyright Date: 1996
Copyrighted By: Josey-Bass Inc.
Submitted by: a Bookshare.org Volunteer

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www.sidran.org - An Awesome Place for Information

Sidran Online was created to help people understand, manage, and treat trauma and dissociation. They're one of the nation's largest providers of education and resources, training and consulting, and publications on traumatic stress.

It's a very informative site. I found my therapist through sidran.org, when no-one in my area who could help me find a therapist who dealt with DID/MPD - these people could!!!

www.sidran.org

Something Odd

Very odd indeed. My eyes are fine. My sugar is fine. I went to the eye doctor. He re-checked my eyes on Friday. My eyes have changed slightly. Not enough to need a new prescription for these new glasses. The two ruptures behind my right retina have healed.

While this is all good news. This does not explain the three days where I went without being able to read small text, normal text, nor large print. I've yet to call my regular doctor. I'm hoping it was a side effect of a new medication I am taking, and that effect is no longer an issue.

The other option is that it was neurological. I'm not even going to go there if I don't need to. So, if the symptoms re-occur, I'll figure out something then. Until then, we've ruled out diabetes, and eye-related causes.

Thank goodness for those small results.

Dealing with Life

With an ongoing struggle, life hits hard. I wear glasses. Two days ago, my vision went; kaplooey, completely out of focus. I can no longer completely focus on small print. Today, I am typing this zoomed in 150%, so that I can see what I am typing.

The thought of totally losing my vision is terrifying. I am a diabetic, but my sugar is completely under control. When I test my sugar level, it is normal. When I go for checkups, it is normal within non-diabetic standards. I do drink non-diabetic drinks; I do indulge in sugared coffee in the morning. I drink –maybe- two sodas a day – over the course of the entire day, not a whole soda all at once.

Where can this sudden loss of sight have come from? My right eye is not functioning properly. I have proven that today. Tuesday, I brought my prescription in for new glasses (after saving and saving to be able to afford polycarbonate with transition lenses) finally. The prescription was for one lens only – the left eye. The right eye did not change. Although they had to replace both lenses, the right eye did not need a new prescription. My left eye, changed by about 60 points – a huge change.

When I put the new glasses on, I was able to focus well enough to read normal print again, something I was not able to do with the old glasses. Still, things are way out of focus, and not correct, but I do not think it’s a function of the glasses. I think it’s a function of something is massively wrong with my right eye.

When I had my doctor’s appointment back in late August, the technician got frustrated with me, because I could not tell her which one was better, this one or that one with my right eye. Neither one was better. They were the same to me. So she said “pick one”. That is not the way it’s supposed to be done. So I picked, and picked and picked, and each time it got worse and worse and worse... until finally she said “this is your new prescription” and I said “Oh no it’s not”, because I could not read a single letter on that line, whereas I could when we started.. Barely... but I could.

Then we did the left eye that came a bit more easily, and was quickly corrected. Then, she tried to get me tested for glaucoma. This woman is already frustrated with me, and then she tries to stick a piece of paper in my eye. NOT!!! I can’t even put eye drops in my own eyes, and she thinks she’s going to get a piece of paper next to my eyeball? NOT!!! I panic – worse than any wild animal when things come close to my eyes. I told her this, and still she tried. Then she comes at me with the wand thing for the glaucoma test. Come ON People! Why can’t you listen – PANIC WORSE THAN A CORNERED WILD BEAST!

So, without those two tests performed, and this technician totally pissed off, she says go out and sit in the waiting room until they call your name for the doctor to see you. I’m looking at her, and saying “Just like that, you’re giving up,” but she had already put the eye drops in my eyes, and could no longer do any readings on my eyes.

So – off to the waiting room I go. At least the doctor treated me with some semblance of respect. He explained that once they put the eye drops in they couldn’t re-do the “is this better or that better” test, until the eye drops wear off. That test is only for when there are no eye drops in the eyes. “Oh, nice of the technician to be a total bitch,” I think to myself.

The doctor looks into my eyes, and tells me “You’ve got two tiny ruptures behind your right retina; they will eventually need to be corrected with laser surgery. I want to see you back here in 9 months.” He was very nice, and explained himself thoroughly. I fear… that I have more ruptures behind my right retina now, and that is what is happening. My left eye however is also not focusing properly, and it should be. I have my new glasses on. Everything SHOULD be clear through that lens… and its not.

Sigh =FEAR=

=signing off until tomorrow=

Dealing with MPD - My Journey

First, let me explain why I say MPD (Multiple Personalities) and not DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) as all members of the “esteemed” psychiatric community in the United States call it.

MPD – Multiple Personality Disorder
DID – Dissociative Identity Disorder

They look different don’t they? If you were to hunt down their definitions, you’d find that they echo each other’s definition. So why do they have different names? Read the definitions closer. They are identical, except for one very important line, and it is that very same line that is the reason that I say – that I am MPD instead of DID.

The Definition of MPD:

• • The presence of two or more distinct identities or personalities
• • At least two of these identities or personalities recurrently take control of the person's behavior
• • Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness
• • The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition.
  

The Definition of DID:

• • The presence of two or more distinct personality states
• • At least two of these personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior
• • Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness
• • The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition.
  

My alters (or family as I prefer to call them) would not like it if I called them a “Personality State”. Nor would your children like it if you called them a figment of your imagination.

I think that somehow, DID lends less credulity to the fact that indeed there are other personalities inside, they are real; they are distinct, complete separate personalities, with likes, wants and needs. It’s hard to live like this as it is. I have severe symptoms. I wake in the morning sitting at my desk, when I went to bed in my bedroom the night before. I physically cannot sit for extended periods, but one of my family members likes to be at the desk.

Worse yet, is the lack of psychiatric support. There is somewhere along the lines of 90% of the members of the psychiatric community who do not believe in MPD/DID to begin with. When other symptoms erupt – like my running battle with severe depression, hospitalization is always a battle. I am –forever- being re-diagnosed as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or Schizophrenic – both are misdiagnosis of MPD. Doctors refuse to treat MPD in the local area, and then they medicate me for these disorders. When I was living in a group home, I was forced to take these medications, or return to living with my abusive parents.

I’m on Medicare and Medicaid due to disabilities beyond the mental part – (physically disabled as well as the debilitation of MPD, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and Major Depression). The only local hospital that even offers a PTSD clinic is a private hospital. So, when symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation come about, it’s compounded by the knowledge that I’m going into a facility that doesn’t care if I’m MPD or not, it’s going to medicate me for something I’m not. Feelings of desperation begin to cloud and compound the feelings of depression. Then the angry insiders step out, the ones who want to quit, or who have only one way of expressing their anger and that is through cutting on the body. That scares me the most. I’m caring for children, I can’t be cutting.. But the feelings are soooo close.

Just this morning, I came into the office to have a cigarette, and discovered something extremely odd. There was an un-smoked cigarette, with a paperclip pinching the filter sitting on my desk. This has never happened before; to me it causes fear and wonder. Who did it? Why? When did it occur? I didn’t do it! I went to bed, I woke up in bed. I do not recall ever getting up in the night, yet when I got up this morning, all of the clothes that were on top of my hope chest that is at the foot of my bed, were on the floor – yet, my bed was not ruffled, nor were my blankets and sheet messed. I did not get under them at all last night, and it was cold.

I have a therapist, she’s a wonderful person. I go to her office, and chit-chat. I get to the point of getting comfortable enough to talk about something, and it’s time to go, our scheduled time is over. Poof – the time flies over my head and all I can do is look at the clock and say huh? It’s not that I’m uncomfortable talking to her. It’s not that anyone inside is uncomfortable talking to her – I don’t get that feeling. It’s that NOBODY wants to tell.

So, redirection, change the subject, I don’t even realize I’m doing it.. or am I ? Because sometimes, I don’t remember the session at all. Most the time that is. I don’t. Who was there? How did I get home? Must be James drove again, he’s the driver in the family. He’s 16, I learned when I was living in Phoenix. A very safe driver for one so young, but he can’t control it when Janet wants to take over. SHE is the suicidal one, and one of her constant, scary themes is driving at 100 miles per hour into a very sturdy tree or light pole.

Yet, we don’t talk about that. Not until the pain is so great, that it’s tearing us all up inside. I can hardly breath sometimes. Yet no tears come. I cannot cry. I have not cried in years.

The journey I’m on, is a long one, and I’ve been on it for years. I’ve got a long ways to go. I’m on a backwards slide, and right now the safety net has been ripped full of holes.

There’s only one patch that’s there, that I might catch.. if I land right.. but that’s highly unlikely at this stage of the game, there is little hope.

The Inner Critic: Accepting Ourselves

by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2002

Do you feel like you're your worst critic? Do you find yourself criticizing your body, intelligence, clothes, ability to do your job, and just about anything about yourself? We all have that voice inside, the one that can take anything about ourselves or something that we did and make it into something terribly wrong or bad.

Some people have stronger inner critics than others, but most people at one time in their lives have struggled to believe positive things that are said about them, and to ward off internal criticisms.

Many events conspire to make us question and criticize ourselves. From the little things to the big things, there are lots of people who knowingly and unknowingly put us down. Family members, peers, teachers, and religious leaders can all play a role even if they they think they're helping us.

Parents often try and correct the "problems" they think they see in us, and say all kinds of things in an attempt to "fix" us. They let us know their concerns about our looks, body, hair, clothes, the way we walk and talk, and so on. All of these accumulate to make us feel less than adequate, less than whole, less than what we "should" be.

Overt and covert criticisms, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and bullying all lead to our internalizing negative beliefs. They leave us feeling hurt and ashamed, sometimes hating everything about ourselves. While overt abuse certainly leads to the creation of an inner critic, so do many other, often more subtle, forms of criticism.

The inner critic can lead to all sorts of problems including low self-esteem, self injurious behaviour, eating disorders, avoiding situations that require us to be the centre of attention or to shine, and feeling like we are profoundly unlovable and unwanted.

The Inner Critic was Formed to Help You

The inner critic was originally formed to help you, to help you avoid pain and shame. The thinking goes like this: "if I create within myself a voice that is just like my parents, and anyone else I want to please, I can more easily know what they want from me, how they want me to be, and I can more easily avoid their disapproval and ultimately win their approval and love."

The inner critic wants us to do well, to succeed, and to be liked, but operates on the thinking level of a child, and a child who thinks that what other people think of her/him is not only important but correct.

In order to do its job properly, the inner critic needed to curb your natural inclinations, and to make you acceptable to others by criticizing and correcting your behaviour before other people could criticize and reject you. In this way, it reasoned, it could earn love and protection for you as well as save you much shame and hurt. (Stone and Stone, 1993)

The problem is the inner critic doesn't know when to stop. It may grow until it is out of control and criticizes you on a regular basis causing some real damage. The inner critic can make you feel awful about yourself. With the inner critic watching, you begin to watch your every step, you become self-conscious, awkward and ever fearful of making a mistake.

Recognizing and Separating From the Inner Critic

The first step in reducing the power of the inner critic is to recognize when it's speaking and to separate from it. You are not your inner critic, it is a part of you, but it is not who you are. When you are able to separate from your inner critic, you are in the part of your self which is sometimes called aware ego, internal witness, higher self, or observing ego.

When you are able to step back, and observe the inner critic, you are separating from it and moving into aware or observing ego. Being in aware ego takes the sting out of the inner critic.
Some ways to get to know and separate from your inner critic include:

• Write out all the things that you inner critic says to you at different times of the day, in different situations, and with different people and notice what the patterns are. For example, does your inner critic get stronger when you're tired, hungry, or stressed? If so, taking breaks, unwinding, having snacks, and relaxing can all reduce the power of your inner critic.
• If writing out the inner critic's messages leads to your adding more and more criticisms to your list, stop writing and try to step back from being in the inner critic. See if you can simply observe that there is a part of you that thinks this way, and that not all of you thinks this way. You don't need to argue with the inner critic, just be aware of it.
• Talk to other people about their inner critic's messages and compare the similarities; you may be surprised to hear that inner critics sound pretty similar from person to person and your inner critic's messages are not specific to you. For some people, doing this would not be helpful and could backfire. If you have a particularly strong inner critic, this could lead to it finding other critical messages to give to you. Again, if this happens, or you suspect it will, don't do it and concentrate on stepping back and being aware of the inner critic as a separate voice or part.
• Draw your inner critic. This is not an art project and no one will mark you on this. Drawing the inner critic externalizes it and helps you to separate from it. What or who does the inner critic look like?
• Think about when and how your inner critic developed. Does it sound like any one you know?
• Write down both of your parents', and anyone else's, critical messages and compare them to your list. Have you adopted any one else's critical messages as your own? Separating from the inner critic can sometimes be accomplished by saying to yourself, "Ah, yes, that's what my mother would have said."
• Meditation is very helpful for stepping back and observing the inner critic, and any other part of yourself.
  

Acknowledging Parts of Yourself That You've Disowned

Inner critics have a tendency to feed on the very aspects of ourselves that we are most uncomfortable with, deny, and disown. For example, if you are uncomfortable with your anger and your critical judgments of other people, tell yourself that you don't feel angry when you do, and think that you are not being mean when you are, your inner critic will rake you over the coals and call you a cruel bitch! If you acknowledge your anger and the reality that sometimes you do think or speak critically of other people, your inner critic has nothing to hit you with.

How we feel about our bodies, or parts of our bodies, can be harder. If you have an inner critic that tells you that you are "fat", you likely don't accept your body as it is and would prefer that you weighed less or looked differently. While it may be hard to accept your body the way it is, you can try acknowledging to yourself that this is your body and this is the way you look with as little judgment as possible.

Some people find it helpful to acknowledge that indeed they do have fat on their body, and so what. For more help with this issue, see my article called, Changing Our Body Image
Becoming aware of and acknowledging all aspects of yourself, including the parts you are not comfortable with, softens the inner critic's power.

Some ways to get to know different aspects of yourself that you disown include:

• Think of somebody whom you really dislike, somebody who pushes your emotional buttons, and leaves you feeling self-righteous and superior. Don't pick someone who has abused you. What is it about this person that you judge? Once you figure that out, you've found a disowned aspect of yourself. For example, say you dislike someone because she is needy and wants others to take care of her. You would never want to be like that! That is your disowned self - the needy child who wants others to take care of her/him.
• Think about someone you overvalue. This is someone who you not only admire, but someone with whom you feel bad about yourself in comparison. Again you will have found a disowned self. Perhaps, you admire a friend's ability to be rational and in control. You, in contrast, always seem to be emotional and confused. You wish you could be calm, cool, and collected like she is. In fact, around her you may get even more confused and emotional, and have great difficulty pulling your thoughts together. She is showing you a disowned self. You have disowned your own rational, controlled part. (Stone and Stone, 1993)

One of the inner critic's jobs is to criticize your disowned parts, so by acknowledging all of you who you are, you reduce the power of the inner critic.

Dialoguing With The Inner Critic

Dialoguing with an inner critic can be helpful too. The traditional approach to dealing with inner critics is to try and talk them out of what they think, but this can soon become a no- win situation. Even if you manage to prove to an inner critic the error of it's ways, it will simply move on to another thing about you to criticize.

Gently countering the inner critics views can help. But, sometimes it helps more to view the inner critic as another part of yourself who has something of value to say and deserves to be heard and respected. Dialoguing with the inner critic (for example, writing out a conversation between the inner critic and another part of yourself) where you simply listen, ask clarifying questions, understand the inner critic's deeper concerns, offer feedback as you would in any conversation, and negotiate agreements if that fits often softens the inner critic more and has longer lasting results.

The next time you hear a voice inside of you putting you down, take a deep breath, remind yourself it's your inner critic speaking, take a step back, and observe it in action. That may be all you need to do to reduce the impact of the inner critic. You may want to listen for potential disowned parts as well that you can try to acknowledge. For the more we acknowledge all of who we are, and how we can behave, the less powerful the inner critic is, and that is such a relief!

© Kali Munro, 2002.

If you would like to reprint this article on your website, you may, providing you print it in its entirety, credit me, and give a link to my site - http://www.kalimunro.com/ - I'd love to know, too!

Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist 416 929-4612 email@KaliMunro.com http://www.kalimunro.com/

Just how =does= one “Become” MPD?

First understand, that we all have a two part mind (which is not the same as having a two hemisphered brain). We have an Emotional Self, and an Analytical Self. Normal (integrated) people operate with their 99% Analytical Self and 99% Emotional Self in tact, and ready to be used. It can be analogous to two sides of a coin. Heads you are analytical, tails, you are emotional at any given input, neither one is good or bad, both are there it is part of who you are. Just how emotional or analytical you are, depends on the situation, and your goals.

For People with MPD – life-threatening trauma occurs, in such a way, as to cause Emotional Self, to dissociate from Analytical Self. (to put the terms simply) before the child reaches 7 years of age.

True, many folks can suffer from various forms of life threatening trauma before the age of seven. Car accidents, near drowning, but there are more conditions, which must also be present, in order to develop MPD.

The Emotional Self (aka Birth Personality, Original Personality, Host) must be Grade V hypnotizable. Hypnotizability is a characteristic of the emotional side – given at birth.

Another is Polarization of the Parents. This means that while the person who is MPD views one parent as good, while the other bad. What happens often is that parents flip from role to role, but, if parents are together in matters of discipline, MPD most likely will not happen. Usually, one parent is the abuser, while the other screams or deserts. The non-abusive parent does not rescue the child or the damage could have been reversed.

Finally, Polarization of Siblings, MPD children are the “only one being abused”. The MPD Child is seen as different from other children, and therefore somehow “deserving” of the abuse the other children did not get.

So: MPD is brought about by:

1. Life Threatening Trauma before the age of 7 yrs old. (minor trauma is not enough child must fear for his/her life)
2. Grade V hypnotizable.
3. Polarized Parents (one bad, one good)
4. Polarized Siblings (only one is abused, others treated decently).
   
   
   Thanks to the wonderful site:
   http://www.dissociation.com/index/Definition/
   
   there is much information here for one and all.